The Crystal Ball 2014 The Super Bowl

Welcome to Super Bowl 49! The big game is brought to us by Cheetos, the official snack of the New England Patriots.

Opening Kickoff

Apparently, Tom Brady had his feelings hurt through all of the Deflategate nonsense. Hey Tom, you want to not get your feelings hurt? Then don’t cheat!

The Way It Was

Well the twisted version of the Pro Bowl happened. One of the made up teams one, I’ll be darned if I can tell one ridiculously dressed squad from the other.

The NFL Honors show happened as well. To the surprise of no one, Aaron Rodgers was named NFL MVP. Can we just change the name to the Most Valuable Quarterback? Again, no offense to Rodgers, as he is excellent and a worthy choice. But I just think J.J. Watt did more with less. Seriously, without looking it up name one other defensive starter. It’s ok, I can wait.

The NFL announced the inductees to the 2015 class for the Pro Football Hall of Fame. The class includes:

Pittsburgh/Los Angeles running back Jerome Bettis

San Diego/Miami/New England linebacker Junior Seau

Oakland wide receiver Tim Brown

Dallas/San Francisco defensive end Charles Haley

Kansas City guard Will Shields

Minnesota center Mick Tingelhoff

Team executives Bill Polian (Buffalo/Indianapolis) and Ron Wolf (Green Bay)

I sense a great deal of Terrible Towels will be twirling in Canton come August.

The government is sniffing at challenging the NFL and their ridiculous tax exempt status. Yes, it’s hard to swallow that a $10 Billion a year operation can be tax exempt. I’m rooting for this to move forward for two reasons. One, it would to the country some great good to have such a highly profitable organization pay its fair share. And two, losing this battle would be Goodell’s last as commissioner.

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Gabriel Sherman of GQ penned an excellent article that really reveals some interesting new sides of embattled NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. It illustrates what I’ve been saying, and what we’ve all known for some time. Profit is the only focus; everything else is merely interruptions to more profit.

Kurt Warner wonders about the Patriots cheating in the past. We all do Kurt, we all do.

Browns receiver Josh Gordon failed yet another drug test, and now faces another year long suspension. Wow, some people just never learn.

ESPN “analyst” Ray Lewis claims the Patriots should have an asterisk for their cheating. I find it both sad and funny that the man who obstructed justice in a murder case, and was originally charged with said murders, is the one demanding integrity from others.

Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll says Richard Sherman is excused from the Super Bowl should his son’s birth come on game day. His pregnant girlfriend, due any day, said nuts to that play the game! Sounds like a keeper to me!

Only In Faux Super Bowl Reality…

How about a bit of actual Super Bowl nonsense? Ok! I could definitely stand a bit of nonsense, since this year the constant scandal in which the NFL seems to be embroiled has sucked all the fun out of the ridiculousness that is the build up to the Super Bowl. So in an attempt to try to bring back some of the fun, let’s enjoy some Prop Bets, definitely one of the most ridiculous aspects of the Super Bowl! And for fun, here’s some more! If I were a betting man, I’d go with green Gatorade for the celebratory shower.

How about the commercials? Those are always highly anticipated, and enjoyed by everyone. Here’s a list of the best ever. Not to be outdone, here are some of the worst.

Don’t forget about halftime, that’s a super important part of the spectacle. Check out a history of the performers. You gotta love Up with People, I wonder if the NFL could get them again…

Hungry at halftime? Here’s a few recipes to whip up during the intermission period. Although I think if you don’t have your snacks down to last the entire game before kickoff, you’re doing something wrong.

Need some alternative programming to balance out the all-day football feast? Then how about some Puppy Bowl! Here's this year’s lineup. Boy oh boy are these puppies adorable!

But don’t forget the actual game. Yes, buried in there somewhere is an actual game. Here’s some fun facts about the big game. As a side note to the first one, Max McGee’s amazing performance as made even more so when you take into account the man was suffering from a tremendous hangover because he partied all night thinking he wouldn’t be playing.

And remember what the goal is, to win that ring. And boy, the designs through the years have been something else. Don’t believe me, take a look, here’s all 48 of them thus far.

Hmmm, but this is Super Bowl week, we need ridiculous. Let’s see, what else is out there. Here we go, here’s some disappointing facts about this year’s matchup. Personally, I’d love if the game was played at Pink Taco Stadium.

We need more, though. How about this Seahawks fan, who got a new tattoo commemorating Seattle’s back to back championships, before the Super Bowl is played. A bit presumptuous, don’t you think?

That’s pretty good, but how about silly Super Bowl party products? I think that football canopy is pretty sweet. And darn it, who wouldn’t want a solid chocolate football?

Hmmm, that’s close, but not quite there. Perhaps the stupidest questions in Super Bowl history will scratch the itch? Almost. How about….

Yes, here it is. The pinnacle of Super Bowl week ridiculousness. The butt of every player featured in the Super Bowl, ranked from worst to best. Yep, that’ll do it. That’s just what we all needed to prepare for the Super Bowl. Enjoy the game everyone!

Upon Further Review

Deflategate keeps on a rolling, but unfortunately it appears there will be no satisfying ending.

Following Belichick’s pseudoscience lecture on Saturday were scores of people anxious to call shenanigans on the Patriots coach. Neil deGrasse Tyson tweeted a rebuttal, Bill Nye the Science Guy stated Belichick’s explanation made no sense, and football manufacturer said the explanation was full of B.S. Not anything anyone with an ounce of common sense didn’t already know.

But everyone figured with the arrival of the teams in Arizona, the furor would die down. Wrong. First came Seattle and their outspoken cornerback Richard Sherman. Sherman pointed out the painfully obvious, that no matter what happened, as long as Goodell and Kraft are as thick as thieves nothing will happen.

Not to be outdone, the next day Patriots owner Robert Kraft called out Goodell, and demanded an apology to his team, Belichick and Brady. This was a crafty move that initially I thought was Kraft trying to deflect attention away from his close relationship with Goodell, and take some weight from behind Sherman’s words. But then I realized it was the words of an arrogant egomaniac, who in one short speech told Goodell he’s Kraft’s bitch and he should get to kissing some but. Bill Simmons tried something similar with ESPN, and got to sit around the house with nothing to do for three weeks. Kraft will probably get his demanded apology.

Enough nonsense? Nope, we had more. As Kraft was calling out the NFL, word came that the league had a Patriots locker room attendant who was a person of interest. Could this be the person who blows the lid off the Patriots? Probably not, because apparently the surveillance video the NFL has was submitted to the league by the Patriots in what I can only suppose is a carefully crafted move to appear helpful with the investigation while subtly shifting blame to a singular, rogue staffer. Gee, who could have guessed this would happen? Oh, yeah, I totally did!

As if the insanity still hadn’t reached its apex, and still has yet to since the investigation won’t really kick off until after the Super Bowl, the latest is the NFL never pressure checked the balls before the game. Patriot fans latched onto this like a dog on a soup bone, crowing to everyone within earshot that see, this proves once again that the Patriots aren’t cheaters, but merely victims. Please. If the NFL didn’t check the balls with a calibrated pressure gauge, all that proves is the NFL and their part time officials failed to do their job. The footballs were still underinflated. Just because NFL didn’t do their job doesn’t mean the Patriots did not cheat.

But there’s your technicality and the escape route the team and league need to pretend to punish without any real ramifications. A Patriots attendant takes balls in bathroom and does a swap. There’s your low level team employee to get reprimanded and/or fired as I predicted. The NFL didn’t check the balls properly, so there’s your league employee to be fined and reprimanded. NFL has no actual proof, which will come out in all the interviews to come after the Super Bowl, so there’s no physical evidence of actual intent, so the team will circumvent any severe punishment. But because the balls were under inflated, they’ll be assessed a minor fined. Goodell will give a half assed apology like Kraft wants, and look like a whole ass in the process. And just as I predicted, nothing of consequence will happen.

I hate the NFL right now.

Coaching Carousel

Atlanta – Nothing is official, because of tampering rules, but word is Seattle defensive coordinator will be hired on Monday as the new head man for the Falcons. Looks like Atlanta had to wait for their man, but if he’s the right guy, then any wait is worth it.

A Thousand Words or Less

Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images.

Now, tell me honestly, how many people are this close to their boss? Yeah, I thought so.

He Said He Said

"I think perception is reality. It is what it is. Their résumé speaks for itself. You talk about getting close to the line, this and that. I don’t really have a comment about that. Their past is what their past is. Their present is what their present is. Will they be punished? Probably not. Not as long as Robert Kraft and Goodell are still taking pictures at their respective homes. I think he was just at Kraft’s house last week for the AFC Championship. Talk about conflict of interest. You know, as long as that happens, it won’t affect them at all. Nothing will." – Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman

Yup, that about sums it up.

“If the Wells’ investigation is not able to definitively determine that our organization tampered with the air pressure in the footballs, I would expect and hope that the league would apologize to our entire team and in particular, Coach Belichick and Tom Brady for what they have had to endure this past week. I am disappointed in the way this entire matter has been handled and reported upon. We expect hard facts as opposed to circumstantial leaked evidence to drive the conclusion of this investigation.” – Patriots owner Robert Kraft

Translation: Roger Goodell you are my bitch, and I’m going to prove it to the whole world.

 “For the Patriots to blame a change in temperature for 15-percent lower-pressures, requires balls to be inflated with 125-degree air.” – Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson

That pesky science, always getting in the way of a good lie.

“It wasn't so much that the Patriots allegedly went outside the rules to alter game balls in ways that would be preferable to Tom Brady, the league said it would investigate, and it's started that process. But the general public distrust of any administrative process involving Roger Goodell informed the league that it better handle this one right.” – SI.com’s Doug Farrar

Truer words have yet to be spoken. But here’s my question, and that of everyone else: What has the NFL done this season, or in the last half dozen, that shows to me they’re capable of getting an investigation right and earning the public’s trust back?

“Even the National Federation of High Schools mandates football inflation levels. There's just no way on God's green earth the Patriots did not know about this rule.” – Tuesday Morning Quarterback’s Gregg Easterbrook

Oh, they knew. And they know that we know that they knew.

“Hey, even the worst bartender at Spring Break does pretty well. Think about it, a two-year-old could (be NFL Commissioner) and still make money." – NFLPA president Eric Winston

That is a wicked burn.

"I think they get a lot more credit than they deserve. People act like they’re immortal and can’t be beaten, and they can be. They’re a good football team. They deserve to talk, they’re the champs. But ... let them talk. They like to hear themselves talk, so let them talk. They’re good enough to be here. But again, they’re not immortal. They can be beat." – Patriots running back LeGarrette Blount on the Seahawks defense

Hmmm, sounds like some good bulletin board material for Seattle.

"I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” – Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch during Media Day

Bwha ha ha! Oh that’s the best one yet! It was even funnier since he changed tone and intonation throughout the interview period.

"I don’t think they should be obligated any more than the commissioner is obligated to speak to the media. I think that if players are going to be obligated to speak to the media then every one of the NFL personnel should be obligated to speak to the media weekly, and that’s not the case.” – Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman on Media Day

Touché.

"I'm available to the media almost every day of my job." – Commissioner Roger Goodell during his State of the NFL address

Said by the man who disappeared from the public eye for the first 10 days of the Ray Rice scandal, and first publicly addressed Deflategate almost two weeks after the story broke. Speaking of Goodell….

Idiot of the Week

Could it be anyone else? No, it couldn’t. Despite Lynch continuing his anti-media campaign, Belichick going for a PhD and Robert Kraft trying to outcrazy everyone, this week’s idiot would still be Roger Goodell.

Goodell held his annual State of the NFL address on Friday, and as anticipated it was priceless in its tone deaf attitude, arrogance and hypocrisy. Some of the highlights included:

• Finally addressing Deflategate publicly for the first time, nearly two weeks after the initial scandal broke.
• Claiming to be accessible to the media almost every day. Reporters everywhere responded through social media with a resounding BULLSHIT
• He actually said this with a straight face:
  "This is my responsibility to protect the integrity of the game. All of us want to make sure the rules are being followed. If there’s information the rules are being violated, I have to pursue that and I have to pursue that aggressively."
  Apparently, if he was serious about this, he’d get rid of the commissioner, who seems to be hell bent on destroying the integrity of the game
• Repeatedly touted the statistic that concussions in the NFL had dropped 25%, completely ignoring the fact that this could be due to intentional under reporting. Case in point, Russell Wilson in the NFC Championship game obviously had one considering his play tanked after getting hit, then suddenly got better after a few hours yet never came out of the game or was tested. Safety is not a priority.
• Highlighted what a tough year personally it was for him and how it taught him humility, then he immediately went on the attack against any reporter who questioned his leadership or tactics.

Seriously, how does this guy stay employed?

Prognosticating the Future

One of the most entertaining parts of Super Bowl week is watching numerous talking heads trying to figure out who will win before actually playing the game. Polls, predictions and simulations abound with desperate souls trying to prognosticate the outcome of the game, usually with the same accuracy as Punxsutawney Phil and his yearly weather forecast. I bet that goofy groundhog calls for an early spring tomorrow, just to vex us all.

EA Sports each year runs a simulation of the two Super Bowl teams in an attempt to determine the winner. This year their game reproduction forecasts a Patriots victory. While EA is fairly accurate, last year they predicted a Broncos victory. So take their prediction with a grain of salt.

Plus I love all the ridiculous polls and predictions you can find. Here’s a great selection of celebrity picks, always good for some hilarity. Not to be outdone, here’s some crazy predictors, one of which involves a porcupine. Yikes. And of course, here’s a poll of psychics around the country. Shockingly, they are not in sync, so a bunch of them are going to be shown as bad at their job.

But I digress. For me, the true indicator of the Super Bowl winner comes from looking at the latest scandal sheet. To put it succinctly, I determine Super Bowl winners and losers based on who has a scandal, started a scandal, and is embroiled in a scandal or on the cusp of one. Whichever team is involved in a scandal will lose the game. And by my definition, a scandal is anything off the field that takes away from the team itself, puts all the focus on one player or anything that may disrupt a team from properly preparing for the game.

This year, I think its fairly obvious which team is embroiled in a scandal, New England I’m looking in your direction. If history has proven anything to me, this should make the choice pretty clear. The Deflategate scandal will keep New England reeling and Seattle will emerge victorious.

On Tap Tonight

My post season run has been well. Even though it feels like a month since there’s been an actual game. Let’s recap:

Last week: 2-0

Post season to Date: 7-3

Season to Date: 180-82

Well, despite everything, we’re actually here. The actual game. I know everyone is hoping for a real barn burner, an epic matchup for the ages. It would be nice to focus on actual football rather than the reality show that the NFL has become this season. Let’s see if New England and Seattle are game.

Sunday

Seattle (14-4) vs. New England (14-4)

Well, here we are. After everything, after the scandals, the inept NFL leadership, the crazed fan bases, the team apologists, the reality show vibe that has enveloped the league, the craziness, the media push and the 24/7 breathless coverage and fan absorption, it comes down to a simple game. 60 minutes of football remaining in the season in order to crown a champion. In one hour of playing time, one team will realize their dream, and another will come so close to theirs only to see it dashed.

So who will win? Sure, we could ask bears, ducks, porcupines to pick one. We could ask celebrities, sports writers and fan polls to find our victor. We could even pull Punxsutawney Phil out of his hidey hole a day early and get him to pick one. And while I’m partial to my scandal theory, let’s just look at the matchup.

New England has a dynamic offense with a strong quarterback, excellent receiving weapons and a better than average running game. Tight end Rob Gronkowski is healthy and a force to be reckoned with. Seattle’s ability to control or contain Gronkowski will be the key to limiting the New England offense.

While Seattle’s defense is tremendous, and their secondary may be the cream of the NFL crop, they are injured. Earl Thomas, Kam Chancellor and Richard Sherman all are dealing with injuries, the extent of how this will affect their play will not be known until game time. This will definitely benefit the New England offense. However, the Seattle run defense is stifling, and should be able to limit the Patriots to a one dimensional offensive structure.

The Seattle offense is built on the run, which should match up well against the New England defense. The Patriots have had trouble stopping the run all season, and have been gouged for big rushing numbers as recently as three weeks ago. If the Seattle offense can find some limited success in the passing game, just enough to keep the New England defense honest, Marshawn Lynch should be killer in beast mode, and Russell Wilson could be the difference maker running an effective read option style game. Plus, with the Seahawks controlling the ground game, they’ll control the clock, limiting the total number of possessions New England will receive, and keeping the Patriots offense from inflicting major damage.

While the betting line seems to be even for both teams, a great many sports writers and prognosticators have leaned on the side of New England and picked New England to win in a big game. I find this immensely curious, and I see New England’s flaws much larger than Seattle’s and the matchup less than favorable for them. I wrote this at the beginning of the season:

Show me a reason for the Seahawks to finish anywhere but 1^st in the division, and I’ll know you are a wonderful fiction writer. Back to the top of the NFC West for this crew.

I ask again, show me a reason for the Seahawks to finish anywhere but 1^st overall. I don’t see one.

Seahawks over Patriots