The Crystal Ball 2014 Preseason Previews - AFC East

Here’s our first installment of our tour through the NFL to reacquaint ourselves with the league and the teams that play for her. For fun, I’m putting in each team’s 2013 finish and my projection of where each will finish within their own division for 2014. I think it’ll be fun come January to look back and see how laughably wrong I was with these ill-informed guesses. I’m always here to provide high comedy for your entertainment needs.

Hopefully as this exercise progresses, I’ll come up with some clever or funny opening. But so far, at least with this first exercise, I’m kind of coming up blank. How about we just get started and see how it goes.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

2013 – Finished 6-10, 4^th in division

It’s been a year of turmoil for the Bills. Team owner Ralph Wilson passed away, leading to much speculation as to who would purchase the team, which includes interest from Donald Trump, and what would be of their future in Buffalo.

And while the team announced that they were hoping to have an owner by October, that didn’t keep the team from reeling. The team’s cheerleaders are suing the organization over poor treatment, joining sister cheerleading squads for the Raiders and Bengals. Considering some of the accusations leveled by the lawsuit, any new owner will have to deal with changing the culture within the organization. On top of that, team Hall of Famer and Buffalo hero Jim Kelly is again battling cancer.

But there is real optimism surrounding the team. Fans are excited for the second year and further maturation of quarterback E.J. Manual, and rookie receiver Sammy Watkins not only looks like the real deal, but is getting fans dreaming of what could be, instead of what once was.

Projected outcome – I think the Bills have a chance for improvement, especially considering the state of some of the other teams in this division. I say they jump to second place.

Miami Dolphins

2013 – Finished 8-8, 3^rd in division

What can you say about the Dolphins? They’ve been courting Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino for a front office position, although I don’t know if Dan could help with the mess that is the team.

While they are now past the nightmare that was the Incognito/Martin fiasco of 2013, the team really is not in that better shape. Incognito and Martin are gone, no longer with the team. Center Mike Pouncey, in between causing off field trouble, is recovering from hip surgery and may be out for as many as 8 games. That means for possibly half the season, 3/5ths of their offensive line will be brand new. That’s a lot of change within one position group. Ryan Tannehill is already questionable as a franchise quarterback and I’m openly wondering if he’ll be able to compensate for that much change when the games go live. And I’ll just throw this out there too. Joe Philbin has, thus far, underwhelmed me as a head coach.

Projected outcome – While 8-8 is not a disaster, the team finished third. I don’t think they’ll finish that high this year. I see fourth in their future.

New England Patriots

2013 – Finished 12-4, 1^st in division

I’d like to start out by pointing out, again, that Aaron Hernandez threatened a guard while in prison. I want to continue associating this subhuman with the Patriots, because I believe they knew just how bad a person he was all along, and were happy to have his talent on their team until he went too far and got arrested. Bill Belichick has shown he’ll win at any cost, and I believe that means employing a man they know is capable of murder.

And in that vein, former players are coming out stating that the team cheats on their injury reports. Oh wow I could not be more surprised to hear the words Patriots and cheat in the same sentence. Seriously, the brain trust that runs this team is a bunch of cheaters, period. Why is anyone still questioning this?

For your amusement, I submit this picture of Tom Brady, sporting a dyed faux hawk, a hipster plaid work shirt and red pants, going for the title of most ridiculous outfit concocted in an attempt to look cool. He won the title.

Ok, fine I’ll say something nice. Brady, a resident of Boston, paid tribute to Boston firefighters who died in the line of duty battling a vicious fire in his neighborhood. He seems out of touch with reality, but at least he still recognizes true heroes.

Projected outcome –Look at this division and look at the Patriots. They added an I’m willing to bet fully healed Darrelle Revis to their maturing defense, and some playmakers to the offense. Short of Brady being injured, or going downhill fast, this team is winning the division. Again.

New York Jets

2013 – Finished 8-8, 2^nd in division

There are few constants in life. Amongst them death, taxes, and Rex Ryan’s bravado come to mind.

Ryan kicked off preparations for 2014 with more of his patented blowhard antics, stating the Patriots should be worried about his Jets. Yeah, I’m sure Bill Belichick is terrified of trying to stop either Geno Smith or an aging Michael Vick.

But at least Ryan’s confidence is infectious. Second year cornerback Dee Milliner has proclaimed himself the best corner in the NFL. I imagine Richard Sherman would like to debate that assumption.

But no matter how much bluster you place on this team, they’re still the Jets. This is how truly pathetic this team is. They have rolled out a new fan rewards program that rewards Jets fans for good behavior. They’ve been reduced to bribing their fans to act like civilized human beings.

Projected outcome – This team is going to fall apart and finish in last place. I think their general manager is overmatched and he’s long overdue to make Ryan his scapegoat. It happens this year.