The Crystal Ball 2013 Pre-Camp Jitters

The Cowboys have already begun. The majority of all training camps are but one hamstring pull away! You feeling it yet? Well, here’s a last helping of off season weirdness to clear out old news, whet your appetite and prep for the 2013 season.

Opening Kickoff

OK, I never want to hear another word about the supposed ugly American sports fan ever again. We may loud, obnoxious, drink and eat too much, get bombastic and question every call. But we never behead someone! For the love of all that is holy. this is why I roll my eyes whenever I hear some soccer fan scoff at American football and claim world futbol is a much more of a civilized game. Please.

The Way it Was

The Raiders, who haven’t had a winning season since 2002, now want a new stadium. Or what, they'll move to LA? Ha ha ha!

The Detroit Lions awarded perpetually chubby looking quarterback Matthew Stafford a $53 Million contract extension. Well, it’s official the NFL is turning to MLB. Yes NFL teams, now you too can pay exorbitant amounts of money to mediocre quarterbacks for little in return. Join teams like Houston, San Diego and Dallas and fork over a metric ton of cash for slightly raised expectations and perpetual late season/early playoff failures!

In the same vein, speculation swirls that Matt Ryan will be the next $20 Million quarterback. I ask, for what? You know what? Pay me $1 Million and I’ll be happy to lose playoff games for you. Talk about same results at a cost savings!

Two Denver Bronco executives were both pinched for drunk driving in the last month, leading the team to hammer them with fines, suspensions and counseling. Now, tell me how a player is to be expected to call for a ride through the team if their own executive brass is not even smart enough to utilize such services.

More from the we’re wasting Peyton’s Last Stand file: After losing Elvis Dumervil to free agency thanks to the dumbest bit of paperwork shuffling I’ve heard in the last 10 years, the Broncos defense took another hit with the impending 4 game suspension of Von Miller for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. Man, things must be getting bad when Denver starts to sound like every other NFL city.

Rex “will foot cream be covered by unemployment” Ryan and his Jets have planned to deploy rookie quarterback Geno Smith as a change of pace/off the bench weapon. The idea is to use Smith as a read option quarterback much as they did last season with Tim Tebow. That makes sense, since it worked out so well last season and Geno Smith is not that kind of quarterback at all. Hey Rex, you want Geno to change the offensive pace? Then replace Mark Sanchez with Smith. Boom pace changed.

Roddy White and Vincent Cruz both got in a bit of hot water for posting inflammatory tweets in the wake of the George Zimmerman verdict. Both, predictably, also issued “apologies”. First, does anyone out there actually believe any athlete is genuinely sorry for their poor behavior or speech, no matter the offense? No? I didn’t think so. So NFL public relations teams; stop writing these apology statements and issuing them on behalf of the players. And second, when will celebrities learn, stop using Twitter, it only gets you in trouble.

Heisman Trophy winner, Texas A&M quarterback and obvious party animal Johnny “Football” Manziel is turning into a Lohan/Bynes level hot mess. I mean, you have to be doing something seriously wrong to get bounced as a counselor from the Manning Football Camp. Two quick points: 1) Manziel needs someone close to him to help him straighten up. Better quarterbacks than him have washed out of the NFL for less. 2) How much is it to go to the Manning Camp and how do you get into a Manning instructed squad? I want to spend the session asking Eli dumb questions and have him repeatedly ask “How old are you?”

The Steel Pit

Well, the calm before the storm has descended upon Pittsburgh and all is quiet mere days away from players reporting to Latrobe and St. Vincent’s College. Oddly enough, things have been fairly quiet for some time. I suppose a team edict was put forth to knock off the nonsense. Either that or the city is once again been wooed by the big bad, Buccos and their winning ways and let idle football gossip slide. Oh, please my Pirates, don’t let me down again this year, we’re so close!

Ok, before I get off topic again, the Steelers have been, well quiet. Big Ben did take a promotional trip to England, in preparation for the Steelers game against Minnesota at the end of September. And talk did surface of the Steelers potentially playing a game in Dublin, which would be trey cool. Sign me up for that one for sure!

But for the most, oh wait, what’s this? The Pouncey twins acting like idiots in a bar? The trial started for the men accused of stabbing Mike Adams, and there are multiple versions of exactly what happened, most making Adams look really bad? Ugh.

Ok, that’s it I’ve had it. There’s too much nonsense surrounding this team anymore. It’s time to clean up some messes. I hereby appoint myself as general manager, President, Chairman and grand poobah of the Pittsburgh Steelers for the day. The following edicts I decree are made in order to improve the team, improve the relationship with the community and restore the vaunted, and possibly mythical, Steeler Way. All decrees are irreversible, just like President Skroob’s raincoat. All decrees guaranteed to meet all above claims, and whiten whites, or your money back.

Decree #1 – From this day forward, no more Raven love. Look, I’m not naïve and I know all professional players get together and pal around. a good many of them are friends either from college days or made as part of the NFL fraternity. But Steelers fans hate the Ravens, as their fans hate Steeler players. This is not about quashing friendships or destroying personal relationships, it’s about maintaining the illusion of a rivalry. If you want to hang out after a game, chat, vacation with each other’s families in the off season, fine have at it. But don’t do it in front of the media or fans. In public, on social media, in the press, you hate them and they hate you. Period.

Decree #2 – Sit Todd Haley down with the playbook, roster and some tapes of the 2009-2011 New England Patriots. Point out to Haley how New England had a monster scoring offense during these seasons with no true running back and no deep threat receiver but they did have a good offensive line and a great quarterback. Point to the roster to show him this is exactly what Pittsburgh has now. Bounce his head off the playbook until he finds plays to emulate this success with the personnel on hand. Sit back and prepare for a 13-3 season.

Decree #3 – From this day forward, all Steeler personnel, including but not limited to players, coaches, scouts, office personnel, ownership, media relations and service personnel, are forbidden to use Twitter. Seriously, it’s more trouble than it’s worth, ask just about anyone. If you do not like this, get a job for Jerry Jones, I’m sure he loves social media.

Decree #4 – Sit Mike Tomlin down with the roster and the playbook and have a picture slide show. Show him all the photos in the world of Bill Belichick, Bill Walsh, Joe Gibbs, Paul Brown, Vince Lombardi and Chuck Noll being buddy buddy with players, butt slapping and chest bumping them as they come off the field, high fiving them as they go into the locker room and smack talking the other team with them. Once he sees this amounts to approximately 5 photos, make him stare at the roster and swear on the playbook to be the man in charge and not one of the guys. 2008 was a long time ago in league years.

Decree #5 – From this day forward, players are banned from any bars or clubs in Oakland, the South Side, downtown, the North Shore and every NFL city on the road. Restaurants and concert venues are approved, but nothing past midnight. Too much trouble happens late at night after a few drinks and everyone nowadays has a camera and a social media account. You want to have a good time? Get together with each other and/or invite friends over. Stay out of trouble spots and trouble will not follow you. You want to party until all hours and court trouble, find a new profession. Have Plaxico Burress and Ben Roethisberger attest to the wisdom of this decree. Does this sound too harsh? Have you seen the NFL arrest record for the last 7 months? Case closed.

Decree #6 – Sit Art Rooney II down with a roster, the playbook, all 6 Super Bowl victories and game tapes from the late 1970’s. Show him how 5 of the 6 Super Bowl victories were won with a robust and active passing game. Point out the prodigious passing attack that the great genius (and he is) Chuck Noll deployed in the late 70’s as Bradshaw, Swann and Stallworth hit their primes and their stride. Illustrate the importance of the passing game in today’s NFL and the decline of the feature back over the past 10 years. Point out that of the 6 Super Bowl MVP awards won by Steeler players, 3 of those players were wide receivers and a quarterback won 2 more. And then have him peruse the current roster, pointing out the cadre of running backs that have shown little or no promise, the rookies and 2^nd year players of whom we have yet to see in real action and the $100 Million quarterback who on his arm and talent is one of the most successful in the NFL, has won 2 Super Bowls and been to a third and provides the team its best chance to score points and win games if he’s not handcuffed by being forced to hand the ball off to scrub backs who barely gain a yard at a time. Make him swear on the playbook to stop stifling the passing game and the quarterback and let go of the asinine, and wholly false, myth that true Steelers’ football is 3 yards and a cloud of dust. It was, in the 1960’s, when the team sucked. It changed to a balanced attack in the 1970s and we won.

Decree #7 – We had to have 7, it’s lucky. Finally, from this day forward, all players will have a strict three strikes policy. Three screw ups of any kind that either lands a player in jail, apologizing to the public or embarrasses themselves and/or the organization and said player will find themselves in Jacksonville or Oakland. Steeler fans love this team, but as of right now there is a shortage of good guys for which to root. No one likes to lose, but most Steeler fans would rather root for a losing team full of good guys than a winner full of scumbags. And right now, it’s more the latter, without the winning. Hey, I’m not looking for angels and good Samaritans. We can’t have a team full of Tebows and Polamalus and sometimes honest mistakes are made. But we don’t have to have domestic abusers, reckless drunks, wannabe gangbangers or ignorant morons with the social skills of a sociopath. To help enforce this decree, some of the best, most successful, talented and good guy ex Steelers will be joining the team as player consultants to straighten guys up, provide volunteer opportunities with good causes if they do not have any, teach them what it means to be a Steeler in Pittsburgh and weed out any, shall we say, uncooperative gentlemen. Mel Blount and Aaron Smith are personally looking forward to this task.

There, that should clean up more than a few problems. With these issues taken care of, I’m going to go schedule my day off for the Super Bowl Championship parade in February.

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Deion Sanders announced on Twitter that he was thrilled to be divorced. Ignoring how utterly classless and tacky it is to say such a thing, it never ceases to amaze me how far Sanders will go to get attention. I’m sure after reading this, his ex-wife was thrilled to be divorced from him as well.

Speaking of classless ex-Cowboys, Josh Brent retired from professional football in order to focus on cleaning up his life and his impending manslaughter trial involving the death of his teammate and best friend Jerry Brown. Brent decided this was for the best only after getting busted for smoking weed. Twice. Classy.

In lighter, more supportive fare, Steelers receiver and sartorial kingpin Plaxico Burress has come out with his own line of upscale male hosiery, for the discerning, stylish gentleman who has yet to find the right sock to style his feet. I guess it’s true, prison does change you.

Get ready, because like it or not, your Sunday mornings are soon to be filled with Ray Ray. This alone should get church attendance to rise in 2013.

Turns out NFL legend “Slingin’” Sammy Baugh played the 1940 season for Washington for $1 a game. Now THAT’S the deal of the century!

According to Geno Smith, both he and Mark Sanchez are cool with each other, even though they didn’t work out together. Oh sure. Hey, Geno, I think Sanchez was cool with Tebow too.

49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick got caught wearing a Dolphins baseball cap. Teammate Navarro Bowman thinks it’s wrong, and many people lost their mind over such an infraction. Now, while I’m a stickler for team fraternization, I tend to think this incident is minor. It certainly isn’t fawning over your division rival in their locker room after they just beat you on your own field. Is it Ryan Clark?

Speaking of rooting for the other team, Panthers quarterback Cam Newton admitted he is a lifelong fan of bitter division rival Atlanta and roots for the Falcons in all but 2 games each season, the two Atlanta plays against his Panthers. Hey Cam, that’s great! Everyone should have a favorite team. And if yours differs from the Carolina Panthers, keep it to yourself.

Cowboys head coach Jason Garrett apparently thinks quarterback Tony Romo is not as fat as he was earlier in the off season. That's cool, I’m sure Romo thinks Garrett right now is more employed than he will be come November.

Speaking of Dallas, Cowboys all world tight end Jason Witten related a story where he got in big trouble with former head coach Bill Parcells for eating a hot dog during a preseason game. That makes sense, Witten is only the most productive receiver in Cowboys history and the one saving grace of the last half decade. Him sneaking a hot dog, yeah that’s what’s wrong with the Cowboys. Can’t imagine how Parcells couldn’t bring home the Lombardi Trophy in Big D.

Upon Further Review

In May, two men left bombs in backpacks at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Their act of cowardice left several dead and more injured. And while their heinous behavior showed us the worst of human nature, the men and women who acted in the moments, hours, days and weeks afterward showed us the best.

Unfortunately, we have now let these despicable actions dictate how we live our lives in the future and have let the terrorists have yet another small victory against our way of life.

In the wake of the Boston Marathon bombing, the NFL changed its policy regarding bringing bags into the stadium. According to the NFL policy stated in a press release:

Prohibited items include, but are not limited to: purses larger than a clutch bag, coolers, briefcases, backpacks, fanny packs, cinch bags, seat cushions, luggage of any kind, computer bags and camera bags or any bag larger than the permissible size…

Mind you, I’m not one to scoff at safety precautions or being proactive in keeping the general public safe. In large gatherings of people like sporting events, safety is a big concern and a logistical feat and those who work to keep 60,000+ people safe are doing a bang up job.

But to ban purses and camera bags? I’ve gone to a few sporting events in my life, and at every one I’ve ever been to, there is always a line for a bag check. Is that too hard anymore? Is it too much to look in a bag?

Per the NFL, if people want to bring a bag, it has to be a clear plastic bag not exceeding 12 inches by six inches by 12 inches. So apparently, the NFL is turning all 32 stadiums into the airport. Can I still bring a bottle of water, as long as it’s in 3 ounce containers?

The statement, from NFL VP and Chief Security Officer Jeffrey Miller also said:

“Our fans deserve to be in a safe and secure environment. Public safety is our top priority. This will make the job of checking items much more efficient and effective. We will be able to deliver a better and quicker experience at the gates and also provide a safer environment. We appreciate our fans’ cooperation.”

Give me a break. Putting people’s belongings in clear bags is not going to improve security or make the check in process more efficient and effective. Plus, it’s more of a hassle now. I guarantee you 99% of all fans would rather wait longer in lines and bring their own bags than try to cram everything into a Ziploc bag. Plus, how is this safer? If people fill clear bags with their belongings, including valuables, what’s to prevent an increase in muggings and bag snatching? If anything, this policy will create an increase in theft. Way to think it through Jeffy.

Like I said, I am not belittling safety, especially when we’re talking about the lives of tens of thousands of people. But when did we pass the safety idea and roll right on through to paranoia. The NFL has recognized that in the past decade, the home viewing experience has far surpassed the in person viewing experience in almost every aspect. Making it more difficult to get into the stadium and bring your personal belongings is not going to help NFL stadiums compete with the couch. Perhaps to offset yet another inconvenience, the NFL might want to think about lowering concession or ticket prices otherwise, attendance is going to start slipping to alarming levels if people have to deal with just one more hassle, even if it’s in the name of safety. And if NFL teams start losing money, well then there’s no clearer sign that the terrorists have won.

He Said He Said

“I hope they do well. They better not win a championship without me because I’ll be really pissed.” – former Bears middle linebacker Brian Urlacher, to Dave Dameshek of NFL.com

Don’t worry Brian, as long as they have good ol’ Jay Cutler, you don’t have to worry about the Bears winning a Super Bowl.

“Tim Tebow is signing with the New England Patriots. This has a very Star Wars Episode III feel to it.” – comedian Frank Caliendo on his Twitter account

No kidding, it totally feels like yet another unnecessary sequel of a story that has dragged on too long and continues to sully the memory of the first three amazing movies/championships. Bazinga.

“Football has a high threshold for tolerating and rationalizing depravity and violence.” – Fox Sports Jason Whitlock

“Twitter is where logic goes to die.'' – Rams defensive end Chris Long

I don’t think logic was ever in the Twitter mission statement.

“What football player believes he's being legitimately jobbed at age 39.5 by not having teams flock after him to sign him?” – The MMQB.com’s Peter King on the currently unemployed Terrell Owens

Well duh, Peter. The answer is Terrell Owens. He cannot even answer a simple question like that, and here I thought King was supposed to be this football guru.

"Oh, please, he's not going to listen to me, and he shouldn't. He'll just do what he does, and that makes sense." – Jets head coach Rex Ryan on what advice he would give Patriots head coach Bill Belichick on how to utilize Tim Tebow

What advice could he possibly give Belichick? Let’s see, Belichick discovered Tom Brady and has utilized him for 3 Super Bowls and numerous wins. Ryan “discovered” Mark Sanchez and continues to play him even though he butt fumbles. I wonder who might know more about how to get the most out of a quarterback…..

“The only thing I'm thinking about is being the starting running back for the Pittsburgh Steelers. This is my job. This is how I take care of my wife and son. They're going to have to drag me off the field for me to give up my job. I'm ready, physically and mentally, to be one of the best in the league.” – Steelers running back Jonathan Dwyer to Pittsburgh Tribune Review scribe Dejan Kovacevic

Oh sure, that's why you kept waving to the sidelines for someone to come in and fill in for you after every other play last season. Perhaps you should be thinking about two words: Le’Veon Bell.

“He’s been nothing but perfect. I met with him when he first came in to lay the rules out. I said, ‘Here’s the deal. You won’t be treated any better or worse or get any special privileges here. If you have any issues or problems, tell command.’ He was very polite and very respectful. He didn’t seem nervous, he seemed very comfortable.” - Bristol County Sheriff Thomas M Hodgson on Aaron Hernandez

No surprise here; sadly it appears Hernandez has been preparing for this life for some time.

“I would come from the most honest point ever. Period. I don’t care if it is wrong or right. If you are supposed to catch the pass, catch the pass. But it is a human mistake and not the end of the world. Everyone has ups and downs, flaws, wrongs and rights. I’m not there to judge. I’m there to pay attention and give insight on the game and on each player and coach.” – ESPN analyst and former NFL player Ray Lewis on delivering criticism on air to former teammates and friends in the league

Wait, if he’s not there to judge, then why is he all geared up to judge someone for missing a catchable pass? And if he is coming from the most honest point ever, it will be the first time.

Idiot of the Week

At the doorstep of a new season and already I’m giving the crown to a Steeler. See why I did the decrees?

This week, we share the crown of idiot equally between identical winners. Twins and NFL centers Mike and Maurkice Pouncey, of the Dolphins and Steelers respectively, celebrated their upcoming birthdays by heading out on the town. While normally this would be a non-story, the brothers decided to don rather inappropriate hats that proclaimed “Free Hernandez”, in honor of their former Florida teammate and current murder suspect Aaron Hernandez.

Now, before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, yes I know there are several key parts here. One, Hernandez is innocent until proven guilty, that’s a tenant of the justice system in our country. And while he will get a fair trial, I will be shocked if evidence comes forth that proves his innocence at this point. But until he is sentenced guilty, he is innocent.

Two, the Pouncey twins are good friends with Hernandez from their days in Florida. They know each other well and obviously the Pouncey’s feel very different about Hernandez than most people. They obviously want to support their friend through a trying time and you cannot blame them for that. If I had a close friend in a similar situation I would stand by him or her.

But in all things, it’s not the what, it’s the how. There’s nothing wrong with supporting their friend. But by flippantly wearing ridiculous hats in a club late on a Saturday night, it doesn’t come off as support. It comes off as mockery and disrespect for the dead. It shows a terrible level of immaturity and a complete lack of awareness of the gravity of the situation. A man is dead. Their friend is being charged with his murder. You think this is the right time for a pithy mesh ball cap?

Maurkice apologized, probably because the Rooney family told him to or else. Mike said nothing. Mike’s reaction is probably the most honest, sadly.

Either way, I’m left thinking the more I learn about Maurkice, the less I like him. And I have to be the one to say, Mike and Maurkice, you are both idiots. And I certainly hope you realize why by now.

On Tap This Week

Coming by this weekend, the real questions fans are asking about each team as training camps get underway.