The Crystal Ball 2013 Draft Weekend Rewind

Overdosed on mock drafts and pre draft hype? Cannot stand watching the guys in the green room squirm as their name does not get called? Afraid to look at Twitter in fear you’ll find out a pick before Goodell can announce it? Then fear not, because The Crystal Ball is back to give you alternative NFL entertainment! Join us as we take a glance back at the Super Bowl and the myriad nonsense that has happened in the league since the confetti fell in New Orleans. And I promise, we won’t give away one single draft pick early.

Opening Kickoff

“It’s officially Draft Week — my favorite week of the NFL’s calendar year.” – Fox Sports.com’s Peter Schrager

I openly question any idiot who says Draft Week is their favorite week on the NFL calendar. How you could prefer an overhyped, overblown, overgrown, heavily advertised, sycophant filled, ridiculous spectacle that boils down to nothing more than college students getting hired, or even more ridiculous grown men divvying up sides in a high stakes schoolyard game of kickball more than you could love the overhyped, overblown, overgrown, heavily advertised, sycophant filled, ridiculous spectacle that are actual NFL games, well then you should look into getting a CAT Scan.

Super Bowl Review

*Sigh* Well there was no way this was going to be easy, and I’ve put it off for far too long now. Ok. Here we go.

Ravens 34 - 49ers 31

Congratulations to the Baltimore Ravens on the success of their feel good movie of the year, “Ray Ray’s Last Dance,” directed by Roger Goodell and starring Ray Lewis, Ray Rice, the Harbaugh brothers and a special performance by Joe Flacco.

There, all done. Took almost three months but I was finally able to spit it out. What, you want more? Yeesh.

Fine, we’ll look at it a little bit more. Ok, so Jim Harbaugh spazzed on the sidelines for about 4 straight hours, and blamed everyone for the loss, except his horrendous playcalling. Not sure how a team like San Francisco, with such a powerful rushing game, going against an aging, tired defense like Baltimore’s that was susceptible to the run, would give up on running plays in goal to go situations in favor of screwball pass tactics, but the 49ers did all night. I wonder if that led in part to their loss, interesting.

In his post game comments, Jim could not let go the non calls the officials refused, ignored or just did not see. And honestly, I believe he had a point. I personally felt that as the game wore on, the officials seemed to look the other way on obvious Baltimore infractions. I mean, when a player lays hands on an official, I always thought that was an automatic ejection. But regardless. It was nice to see that Jim could be magnanimous in defeat and congratulatory toward his brother instead of just bitterly complaining like a sore loser.

Not to be outdone by his younger brother, John Harbaugh ranted like a petulant child during the blackout because he was afraid that if the game was delayed too long, his old ass team would get too sleepy to play late into the night. Or something like that, I think Deadspin had a better guess as to what actually spewed from his mouth.

So we have John berating a league official during the 34 minute power outage delay, while his team was winning 28-6. And Jim throwing a full body conniption fit on the sidelines after the 4th and goal non call penalty. Boy I bet these two are pleasant to be around. I can't wait to see Thanksgiving in their house. At least when things go badly for his team, Belichick has the decency to just run up the score.

Oh, and of course, there’s the blackout, where the Superdome’s power cut out in the third quarter. At first, I thought that the NFL had just had enough of Phil Simms too and cut his mic. But when everything stopped, well that’s when we all realized this was going to be a bit weirder. Personally, I figured it was a sign from God that having these two immature siblings competing for one of the biggest prizes in all of sports was an affront and He wanted everyone to know it. But obviously God knew better than to let a blackout last too long. I mean, think about it, Ray Lewis at a Super Bowl in the dark wearing an all white outfit? That just screams obstruction of justice waiting to happen.

Although my favorite Super Bowl story had to have been when Lewis, after the game, claimed God told him to lay his hands on Jacoby Jones, and when he did Jones went out and had a major game. So either Lewis is taking credit for Jones’ work, or he’s has he crossed a line into insanity. Does he think he's Jesus now? He sounds like a cult leader. Nice to see him use the Lord for his own purposes. People, if Ray ever invites you to this little resort town he's building in Central America, DON'T GO.

Anyhoo, no one got killed and eventually the game ended with Roger Goodell able to give his BFF Ray Ray his own Jerome Bettis moment. After the prerequisite parade and purple hoopla, Ray Ray then led a phalanx of Ravens out the door in Baltimore, some from retirement, some from free agency, some cut, some traded, and happily almost all of them starters. Even better, because of his excellent performance in 4 games, thanks in no small part to the recently disposed of Anquan Boldin, the Ravens were forced to severely overpay for Joe Flacco. I cannot even wait until Flacco puts up his typical mediocre year this season and everyone starts claiming his contract is Ozzie Newsome’s first bad deal. And hopefully, Lewis’ shtick will grow tiresome on ESPN, and eventually he will be replaced and just go away. I call that a silver lining.

The Steel Pit

Well, this offseason has been true to Pittsburgh form yet still a bit out of the ordinary. The team still refuses to overpay for talent, no matter the consequences, and makes almost zero splash in free agency. And regarding the 2012 roster, if you thought last year’s bloodletting was bad, it was nothing compared to this year. Mind you, I felt most of the moves were justified, and perhaps they should have gone a bit further. Let’s take a quick peek at the 2012 Steelers In Memoriam.

Players gone

OG Willie Colon – This will eliminate 20 overall holding penalties, 35 false start penalties and 10 weeks of injured reserve time per season. Good luck Jets.

OT Max Starks – I was hoping they’d keep Max, he’s a great guy and still pretty darn good. But alas, it seems as though finally they won’t invite him back. Now, I’m putting him on this list, but I will not believe it until after Week 4 of the season. Stay in shape Max, just in case.

RB Rashard Mendenhall – When he was healthy, and motivated, Mendenhall could be great. But he wasn’t healthy, we often wasn’t motivated, and sometimes just looked like he didn’t want to get his hands dirty. Which is why Arizona signed him for just one year. He still has yet to prove himself as the guy.

RB Chris Rainey – Yeah, because he brought so much to the table. No loss here.

QB Byron Leftwich – Much like the loss of Colon, this will alleviate the budget for the training room and the strain on those resources.

QB Charlie Batch – There’s a chance Batch could return, depending upon what Pittsburgh does regarding the quarterback position in the draft. We shall see.

WR Mike Wallace – Oh, I’m no fool, I know this is a loss, despite questions I may have about his ability to do more than go deep or his attitude. But hey, Young Money had to get paid. And it did. Good on him. We’ll see how he feels about it when Ryan Tannehill consistently misses his targets. Good luck with that Mike.

OLB James Harrison – It’s funny, when Joey Porter left, I felt all sad and sentimental, and still miss him even though he was a gigantic ass to anyone not wearing Black and Gold. Harrison pretty much fits that mold to a T, but I don’t feel all that sad, even though we’ll face him twice a season. Go figure.

NT Casey Hampton – Keeping in mind Big Snack is not the player he once was, this one still hurts. Mainly because everyone loved Casey, and he was a great locker room/off the field guy. And in his prime, he was unmovable. I just hope that wherever Casey lands, they can find a helmet that fits. Good luck Casey.

S Will Allen – Allen did a good job filling in for an injured Troy, but he’s almost as old as Polamalu, and would be nothing but a stop gap measure. No major loss.

S Ryan Mundy – You would think that at some point Mundy would be the man, but Polamalu and Clark are entrenched for at least the next season or two, and Mundy wanted his time to shine. This is a loss.

CB Keenan Lewis – I’m not sure if Lewis is worth the big money New Orleans threw at him, but he was an emerging star, the Big Easy is his home and who’s going to turn down $26 million? Good luck Keenan.

You notice a theme with the young guys who left? All style, no substance and all about themselves and not the team. I know, we’re told all the time that the NFL first and foremost is a business. But sometimes in team sports, you need to sacrifice for the greater good in order to be champions together. I believe some of those on this list forgot that, and stopped listening to the likes of Harrison, Hampton and Starks who preached it. Oh, and just so it’s on record. I think Pittsburgh screwed up by calling Sanders’ bluff and paying him. They should have taken the draft pick.

Need to catch your breath? Sorry no time since now we’ll hit the new acquisitions for 2013. Don’t worry, this will not take long.

Players acquired

TE Matt Spaeth and DB William Gay – I would call neither player, both former Steelers returning home, real additions. Depth more than anything, and in Gay’s case, I question that. But, they know the system and probably won’t cause too much of a ruckus, so welcome back boys.

QB Bruce Gradkowski – Pittsburgh native who finally gets a chance to suit up for his hometown team! It’s like the Charlie Batch story, but 10 years younger. Shame his brother won a ring last year as a Raven. That’s shame on the family name.

While the Steelers did entertain plenty of other free agents to their South Side facilities, but none of them have been signed as of now. This may be in part due to the now in progress draft with the team waiting to see who they get before they fill some holes and due in part to the Steelers once again against the wall thanks to the salary cap. General manager Kevin Colbert had best find a way around the latter, since the team has more holes to fill than usual.

Now, in regards to the draft, Pittsburgh filled a tremendous need, upgraded their defense immensely and, well, insert whatever superlative here you like, when they drafted Georgia linebacker Jarvis Jones. So far, I’ll give Colbert the benefit of the doubt as this is an outstanding start to filling those needs.

Jones was a collegiate standout who might have been a top 5 pick if not for a slow 40 time during his Pro Day and a lingering health malady that has yet to hold him back, but put fear into teams. Pittsburgh, after having done their homework, became unconcerned with both and nabbed a potential first round steal, no pun intended.

I’m a big fan of this pick, since we could use some young blood on defense. Plus, it’s a lock this kid will be a super star in the 3-4 defensive alignment Pittsburgh deploys. Why you ask? Look at his name, Jarvis Jones. Let’s review the last few linebackers to man that position for Pittsburgh.

James Harrison

Joey Porter

Jason Gildon

He’s just continuing a long, proud line of men with first names that start with J starring as an outside linebacker for the Steelers. You’ll see, come September.

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Alright, let’s get into the real weirdness.

Former Notre Dame linebacker Manti Teo, who was not picked during the drafts opening round, believed in February that the fake dead girlfriend pseudo scandal did not hurt his draft stock. If he really believed that, then I think he might have been dumb enough to be duped by a scam artist with a Facebook page and a feminine voice.

O.J. Simpson reportedly had a Super Bowl party in his prison cell. It’s not Morton’s but I guess it’s something.

Tom Brady’s new giant mansion in California has a moat. You read that right, a moat. I was going to make fun, but the 8 year old in me keeps screaming, “That is SO COOL!!!! Does he have a pirate ship too???”

ESPN the Magazine, not to be confused with ESPN the Global Trendsetter, put together a photo shoot of famous album covers with professional athletes taking the place of the original musicians. Nice concept. I’m glad LaMarr Woodley found something else to do other than lose some weight.

Place kicker Lauren Silberman was invited to a regional combine tryout, with the hopes of landing a job with a professional team. However, she was beyond terrible, to the point people wondered if she’d ever kicked before. Where is Helen Hunt when you need her? She would be the true feel good cross gender stereotypes story for the NFL.

Jerry Jones has a million dollar bus to travel to the NFL Combine. I figured he just flew that spaceship called Cowboys Stadium whenever he goes out of town. It seems silly and superfluous to have other modes of transportation.

The NFL, in all of its arrogant glory, is attempting to enact a Twitter moratorium on all the networks, teams and other league personnel during the draft. Look, I get it, the NFL is trying to sell a package to networks and advertisers, but people do not care. They want information and they want it now, welcome to the new reality. And if people really do not want to know the pick ahead of time, it’s really simple. Don’t look at Twitter! But you know a sure fire way to make sure people stay tuned there Roger? How’s about we don’t spend 5 minutes talking about the previous pick when the big screen behind the talking heads is announcing the current pick is in!!! That’s why people are looking for this information, because you drag it out for unnecessary reasons, you dunce.

Movin on up…

Wow, free agency was fun, no? Boy howdy, did everyone go for the money and were bad teams willing to flash the cash. Sadly, championships are not won with checkbooks in March, as Dan Snyder has learned. But let’s take a look at a few notable player movements just for fun, shall we?

After a ridiculous amount of speculation on the worst kept secret in the NFL, the Jets got rid of Darrelle Revis by shipping him to Tampa Bay in a sign and trade for some draft picks. Now, I’ve been curious as to why Revis is always whining about money myself. I mean, he whined two years into his rookie contract wanting more cash, now he’s whining he wanted yet another new contract. Jeez, how much can one man whine? But with that said, the Jets are fools. Revis was the one guaranteed star, and star player, they have. If they think they’re better off without him yet still retaining the services of Mark Sanchez, they are nuts.

San Francisco sent deposed quarterback Alex Smith to the Kansas City Chiefs. Smith is undoubtedly excited, since new head coach Andy Reid will insist on a 70-30 pass-run ratio. If I were a Kansas City fan, I'd be excited. The last time the team acquired a quarterback from San Francisco it was followed by years of sustained success. No, it did not include playoff success. But considering the team's recent track record, I’m sure Chiefs fans will take what they can get.

Conversely, if I were a 49er fan, I’d be terrified. The last time the team traded a starting quarterback to Kansas City, it marked the beginning of the end of their playoff and Super Bowl dominance. They went on a run of losing seasons as well as a playoff appearance dearth. And with only one last trip to the big game following the trade, they never saw the Super Bowl again until 2013. This portends bad times ahead.

Carson Palmer overvalued himself to the point that the Raiders finally decided to get rid of “Hue Jackson’s mistake” and trade him to Arizona. Hey Bruce Arians, good luck with that. The sad part of that trade is that even in his current crappy incarnation, Palmer is still closer to an NFL quarterback than anyone else Larry Fitzgerald has played with since Kurt Warner. Scratch that, that’s not sad, that’s pathetic.

The Raiders backfilled Palmer with Matt Flynn from Seattle. I guess that whole Russell Wilson thing is working out. The Cardinals cut Kevin Kolb, who signed on with Buffalo after they jettisoned Ryan Fitzpatrick, when Bills GM Buddy Nix’ feelings for Fitzpatrick were revealed thanks to a prank call. When it comes to mediocre quarterbacks, the NFL is like Melrose Place, nothing but bed hopping and infighting.

In other player news, the Chiefs released tackle Eric “stick up for your quarterback” Winston. Perhaps he can join forces with T.O. and form a quarterback admiration society stage show. I’m thinking something over the top, suitable for the Vegas Strip.

Falcons tight end Tony Gonzalez decided that even though he was 95% sure he was done with football, he will return for one more season. My guess is either a) Brett Favre has been advising him on how to retire/unretire or b) he wanted a real final, swan song season since the Ray Ray Show overshadowed everything last season.

Speaking of Brett, apparently Favre helped Greg Jennings decide on Minnesota as his new bankroll, I mean team. I bet that pushes back that Favre/Packers reunion a few years.

John Harbaugh, feeling bad that he took the candy from his little brother Jimmy, decided to make up for it by trading Anquan Boldin to the 49ers for a sixth round draft pick. I have heard more than a few arguments that this was a good move by both teams, and good for Boldin and blah blah blah. I’m calling Bullshit. This is tampering. This is brothers making an inside deal. We all saw Boldin’s post season, his career track record. Yes, I know he’s 32, but there’s no way on earth he’s worth just a 6^th round draft pick. This was a sweetheart deal, nepotism at it’s worst. I hope both teams fall flat on their face because of it.

Speaking of our Super Bowl champions, the Ravens found a linebacker to adequately fill Ray Ray’s shoes. No, not Elvis Dumervil, but the recently arrested Rolando McClain!

Just curious, but after the Denver fax debacle went down, and then with Dumervil winding up in Baltimore, does anyone else think that the paperwork snafu Dumervil “blamed” on his agent was not a mistake but a crafty plan to get out of his contract? Good, I’m glad I’m not the only one thinking of these things. I’m just curious as to why this potential story angle hasn’t gained more traction.

And I’m curious as to who the next marquee player will be who will suddenly have an inept agent incapable of handling technology that was invented in the 1800’s.

And now, I present what I have dubbed the best, and most accurate, take on the NFL free agency, ever. Please, sit back and enjoy this article. What, were you gonna cave and watch the draft instead?

He Said He Said

“Will Ray Lewis Ever Come Clean? Your columnist about fell off his chair on hearing, during the Super Bowl hype, that Ray Lewis on CBS not only claimed to have been chosen by God for football success but also refused to answer questions about the year 2000 Atlanta murders by saying, "If our system took the time to really investigate what happened 13 years ago, maybe they would have got to the bottom-line truth." Lewis pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice! That is, tried to prevent investigators from getting to the bottom-line truth.” – ESPN.com’s Gregg Easterbrook

One, I’m glad to see someone of intelligence point out the very troubling flaws in the feel good Ray Lewis story. And two, I’m surprised ESPN let Easterbrook run this, since they were already planning on hiring him. I guess the company picnics are going to be awkward.

“Oh, it’s funny. His speeches come from the heart, but there’s definitely times where I’m sitting there kind of chuckling to myself.” – Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco to USA Today on Ray Lewis’ pregame speeches

Yeah, hilarious. I cannot wait to see the comedy translate to ESPN this fall. Ugh.

"You hurt me bad. I'm a Bengals fan." – actor George Clooney  to former Ravens and current Texans safety Ed Reed at the Oscars

Oh cheer up George, you now have a broken down, past his prime James Harrison who will be playing out of position and out of scheme in Cincinnati’s 4-3 defense! So things are looking up.

"31 other teams hate the New England Patriots.” – Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs

Just like 31 other teams hate the Baltimore Ravens. Grow up you immature sore winner.

"I understand the Orioles are playing a game at home. Well, who really cares? You've got 81 of them things at home and maybe you could've done the right thing and given one up and played 82 on the road and 80 at home. I really don't think people are going to care about that game.'' - Jets coach Rex Ryan on the conflict between the Orioles September 5^th home game and the now defunct proposal to open the NFL season on the same night in Baltimore.

Oh, I agree with Rex on this one. I can guarantee I don’t care about the Orioles game.

"I try to stay out of things I don't know about." – Orioles manager Buck Showalter in response to Ryan’s comments

Zing!

"It had absolutely no impact on my decision to leave.'' – Eagles head coach Chip Kelly after his former team, the Oregon Ducks, came under investigation by the NCAA

Hey Chip, did Pete Carroll teach you that line?

“The Ravens may regret unloading this gentleman for a mere sixth-round draft choice. In the 2013 postseason, Boldin caught passes totaling 380 yards and four touchdowns. But he's 32 years old, get rid of the bum! Expect the football gods to wax wroth against the defending champions.” – SI.com’s Peter King

I guarantee they’ll regret it. I just don’t believe for an instant they did it for a cost cutting move.

"No, it was not hard. That comes. That happens. I'm never going to complain about a pay cut. I have the opportunity to play the game I love, and I'm going to make a lot more money than most people out there, more than I could ever make doing whatever else. So no, I'm never going to complain about that. You've got to be thankful for what you get, and I'm very thankful for what they gave me.'' – Jaguars center Brad Meester on taking a pay cut to remain with the team for the 2013 season, his 14^th in the NFL.

Hmmm, if only James Harrison felt the same way, perhaps he wouldn’t have to spend 2013 in Cincinnati.

"I talked to coach Tomlin during my pro day. He told me how much he liked how I played and how much he liked my game. I'm just happy to be part of this organization. I know they have a great defense. They've always had a great defense." – Steelers linebacker Jarvis Jones

Sorry, I couldn’t resist one quote from the new guy.

"Everybody knows the Steel Curtain. I'm just so happy to be part of this organization. At the end of the day . . . I think it's a great fit with the Pittsburgh Steelers. I'm loving it." – Steelers linebacker Jarvis Jones

Ok two and that’s it! Sorry, but the kid just knows what to say to Stiller fans.

Idiot of 2013 Offseason, so far…

Despite no games or playoffs or even practices, the first part of the year is always rife with one idiot or another doing something to draw my attention. But I think, for our first winner, we have to go with one of my favorite foils, Roger Goodell.

Bro hugs and Twitter hating aside, I was under the impression that the National Football League was the most powerful, successful, financially overwhelming and popular sports league in North America, with only soccer being it’s true global competition. I have been led to believe that this Billion dollar industry is a juggernaut that sets the standard for other sports leagues as well as the game played at every level below it. It’s power, reach and magnitude are unmatched, and continue to grow each day.

If that is the case, could someone please explain to me how Goodell could fail to strongarm Major League Baseball into moving a piddly weeknight baseball game out of downtown Baltimore in order to showcase his Super Bowl champion Ravens? Tsk tsk, heir Goodell, you seem to have lost a bit of gravatis.

So Roger, for getting pushed around my MLB and Bud Selig, an organization Pete Rozelle crushed under his wing tip, you are an idiot.

On Tap This Week

Next week we’ll actually take a look at the results of the draft. Hint, every team got exactly what they wanted and now have the missing pieces to be champions!