The Crystal Ball 2012 Week 5

A few years ago the NFL wisely decided to start the NFL season by featuring the reigning Super Bowl champions at home against a formidable opponent; sort of kick the season off with a bang. So with that mindset, how come Ed Hochuli was not featured either Sunday or Monday night but instead relegated to Jacksonville? Way to miss a PR opportunity NFL.

Opening Kickoff

I think my quality of life would improve drastically if I could just have 30% less exposure to Deion Sanders.

The Way It Was

Detroit became the first team in NFL history to allow a kickoff and punt return for a touchdown in the same game in consecutive weeks. Geez what's it take for a special teams coordinator to get fired?

Cowboy fans, don't get discouraged about Romo's five interception performance. At least he's able to throw the ball well enough to be intercepted. That's a huge step forward. If you doubt that, just asks Jets fans to rate Sanchez's performance from Sunday. They would be happy to take Romo off your hands.

Speaking of Sanchez, his stat line from Sunday was 13-of-29 for 103 yards with an interception and a fumble. Let the Tebow chants begin. Wait, they have? Oh joy! It wouldn't be an NFL season without half the fan base getting their panties in a bunch over Tim Tebow.

And speaking of the Jets, Santonio Holmes is now done for the season. That's two key players lost for the year in consecutive weeks. Coincidence, or have they just found a way to escape a sinking ship?

Ok, Minnesota. You now officially have my attention.

I guess Chris Johnson finally got his blocking. Too bad it didn't translate into a win.

In worse news for Tennessee, quarterback Jake Locker injured his non throwing shoulder.

Buffalo had New England on the ropes, threatening to send the Patriots to 1-3. Then Tom Brady exploded all over the Bills.

Boy Jeff Fisher has the Rams looking spry. There is life in St. Louis.

Drew Brees tied Johnny Unitas with his 47th straight game with a touchdown. He could break this record, once thought as untouchable.

I find it odd that Brett Keisel has thicker hair on his face than Clay Matthews has on his head.

Hmmm, Green Bay got jobbed two weeks in a row. First the replacement referees screw them, then the real referees screw them. Man what does a team have to do to get a decent ruling on the field?

Darren Sproles was clearly not down by contact on fumble in 4th quarter, but because Mike McCarthy wasted his challenges earlier in the game he could do nothing about it. Somewhere Andy Reid swelled with pride.

The Saints' field goal attempt late in 4th quarter went like this: first attempt, offensive holding 10 yards back; second attempt, encroachment 5 yards forward; third attempt, wide left. Screwiest field goal attempt I've ever seen.

3rd and 3 with 2:00 remaining, Green Bay's James Jones makes an unbelievable catch and drew a pass interference call. Why was the catch so amazing? He couldn't even see the ball! Now that is impressive.

The Steel Pit

Steelers 3 - Bye Week 0

Pittsburgh easily won the bye week with the return of not one, not two, but three key players. Rashard Mendenhall, James Harrison and Troy Polamalu all returned from injury and will see action on Sunday against Philadelphia. And their return couldn't come a moment too soon. The defense and running game have been troubled since Week 1, and hopefully these three players can at least provide a spark for better overall performances from these units. While it's fun to watch, it's unrealistic to depend on Big Ben to throw 5 touchdown passes every week.

Ben Bonus: In the loss to Oakland, Roethlisberger threw for 384 yards, bringing his career passing yards total to 27,483. Big Ben only needs 416 yards to become Pittsburgh's all time career passing yards leader. Well, he could do that with one really good game. Maybe perhaps a home game, against a cross state rival, with yours truly in attendance? Or am I asking for too much from my yearly pilgrimage to Heinz Field?

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Colts head coach Chuck Pagano was diagnosed with leukemia, and will be out for the season receiving treatment. Here's wishing him a speedy recovery.

Broncos executive John Elway endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Of course Elway does, he's in the 53%. Its funny to me to see a man who has probably not wanted for anything his entire life and works in an industry that basically prints its own money use the phrase "tough economic times". Tell me John, when's the last time you had to work to sell a ticket for a Bronco home game? The next time you do will be the first.

Speaking of presidential election support, Jets owner Woody Johnson stated Mitt Romney winning the election is more important to him than the Jets having a winning season. Sounds like another prominent Jet jumping ship. I'd distance myself from this mess too.

Redskins Aldrick Robinson and Brandon Meriweather collided in pregame warm-ups last week, and both were inactive for the game. What were they doing, rehearsing a Three Stooges bit?

The NFL approved Sean Payton, Mickey Loomis and Joe Vitt to attend this week's Saints game where Drew Brees has an opportunity to break Johnny Unitas' consecutive games with a touchdown pass record. Hey Roger, can Gregg Williams go too?

Prepare yourself for the latest internet meme, Smokin Jay Cutler! I checked, and no, McKayla is not impressed.

Upon Further Review

Lost in the excitement of the return of Peyton Manning to the football field is the return of Peyton Manning commercials! Manning is a natural pitch man with a subtle, self effacing comedy. I've missed his humorous advertisements almost as much as his game.

So after all this time without Peyton selling me products, what do I get with his triumphant return? Peyton playing second fiddle to Deion Sanders’ tinkerbell train wreck, giving away all of Papa Johns' pizzas and an uninspired Buick ad that wasn't nearly as funny as Shaq's.

Come on, Madison Avenue, we can do better than this. It's Peyton Manning! Ok, I'll get the ball rolling. Here's a few products that combined with Peyton could be instant classics and major product pushers.

Visa - He spent years shilling for MasterCard, why not go to the competition? This one writes itself. Use Peyton's 2011 adventure. You see him in a doctor's office in Germany, then he's in Indianapolis, followed by visits to Washington D.C., Phoenix, Florida, Denver and Louisiana. It's everywhere he wants to be.

Ramen Noodles - Have you seen Peyton try to throw a long pass this season? Noodles in a cup crossed with noodle throwing arm equals high comedy.

The Kentucky Derby - This is a bit of a specialized ad, but think about it. With his career arc of playing for the Colts and now the Broncos, you can almost hear him say, "I know a little something about horses."

New Era Hats and Caps - Look at Peyton's melon, my only question is why hasn't he been selling hats before now!

Ensure - Being one of the elder statesmen of the NFL has it's privileges, but it also takes a lot of extra work to stay on top. An older quarterback cannot live on tapenade alone.

Re/Max - How much fun would it be go house hunting with Peyton? Make sure that new house has a trophy room and a big back yard for playing catch with Eli.

United Van Lines - Continuing with the moving theme, how about a series of advertisements depicting a frazzled Peyton trying to move across the country? Combining this with Re/Max, think Peyton Manning in The Money Pit. Score!

Coors - as Sam Elliot keeps telling us, Coors is the banquet beer. Well, who better to continue that advertising message than the banquet quarterback?

K2 Ski Gear - Peyton lives and works in Colorado now, one of the best places to ski in the country. Why not tap into that market, have some great ads with Peyton on a mountain top. Plus, what an opportunity for a CGI Peyton to reenact the Wild World of Sports Agony of Defeat.

Garmin - Everyone knows how tough it is to navigate in a new city. What better way is there to get around than having a navigational tool to assist you? Think of the comedy we could see with Peyton trying to get to the stadium on time? Here's an easy joke line for the ads, "I always knew where the stadium I built was at."

See, these are right off the top of my head. It's not that hard. Now, what you do with these suggestions Madison Avenue, is up to you. But if you create any of these, start thinking CLIO Award!

He Said He Said

"I'm not ready to make a quarterback change. Obviously we've got to get better play at quarterback, and we got to get better play at a lot of things. You look at yourself first, and there's things we clearly all need to do. Mark's the answer at quarterback." - Jets head coach Rex Ryan

If the question is name the most overrated starting quarterback in the NFL, I'd like to throw Joe Flacco's name in the mix.

"Could have used you last week." - Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers to an official before the Saints/Packers tilt

I wonder if Rodgers felt the same way after the missed fumble call on Darren Sproles.

"Cheeseburgers for everyone!" - Eagles head coach Andy Reid to his team after their win against the Giants

Too many jokes....

"There's no reason to get worked up about kicking a football.'' - Rams rookie phenom kicker Greg Zuerlein

Tell that to Mike Vanderjagt

"I was trying to do too much. That is going to catch up to you at some point. I am trying to do too much. Going forward, I just have to do my job. I can control what I can control." - Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo after his 5 interception performance against the Bears

Well, its not like Tony can walk 40 yards down the field and place the ball in Dez Bryant's hands, although I'm sure if he did Dez would drop that too.

"My ear's fine. That thing got blown way out of proportion.'' - Texans quarterback Matt Schaub on losing a chunk of his ear

Maybe it's just me, but I tend to think when you leave a football game missing pieces of your body that do not grow back, it's a big deal.

''Tee-boww! Tee-boww!'' -Jets fans in the closing minutes of New York's 34-0 debacle against San Francisco

YAY!

Idiot Class Act of the Week

Ok, we have a good time poking some fun at the stupidity of players, coaches, owners and the league as well as media personnel. But this week, I want to do a 180 and give an award for a classy move. Don't worry, we'll get back to ranking on someone next week.

Packer head coach Mike McCarthy watched incredulously as his team was robbed of a victory against the Seahawks twice. Once when the initial touchdown call was made, and again when replay upheld the call. Despite this, he came back on the field and brought players with him to officially end the game with the extra point kick. He never blasted the referees in the media, nor did he overly complain and cry whoa is us. That alone is a class move, since everyone else in the free world couldn't stop complaining.

But what really impressed me, and many others, is what happened next. When McCarthy found out that the referee from the game, Wayne Elliot, was being bombarded with harassing phone calls and having a rough week, he picked up the phone. McCarthy called Elliot to give him support and let him know that while he disagreed with his call, he told Elliot he handled the situation with class.

McCarthy, who didn't intend for the phone call to become public knowledge, said he felt calling Elliot was the right thing to do. I hope more players and coaches in all sports at all levels take away a lesson from McCarthy's call. This is how sportsmanship should work.

Yes, this guy cost McCarthy and his team a victory, one that could be important down the road. But McCarthy wanted to support this man for doing the best job he could in an unenviable situation and show he held no ill will. In sports, as in life, sometimes you get the breaks, and sometimes you get broken, but you should always move forward harboring no ill will and showing respect for your opponent and yourself.

McCarthy showed major humility and class, and set an example that others, specifically Buccaneer head coach Greg Schiano, should take to heart. Mike McCarthy, you are a class act.

On Tap This Week

This week, I did not change picks back and forth, only to finally settle on one and then change it again. I went with my first impression and my gut instincts, like I should. How did it pay off?

Last week: 8-6

Thursday: 1-0

Season to Date: 31-33

Ok, not world beating by any stretch of the imagination, but certainly an improvement. We can build on this!

Sitting at home, relieved there can be no turnovers or return touchdowns this week….

Dallas, Detroit, Oakland, Tampa Bay

Sunday

Baltimore (3-1) at Kansas City (1-3)

I wonder what will happen if Baltimore ever plays a competent team that can exploit it's weakened defense that no one talks about.

Ravens over Chiefs

Philadelphia (3-1) at Pittsburgh (1-2)

Lucky me, today I will be in attendance to bask in the beauty of Heinz Field, downtown Pittsburgh in early fall and the Steelers all amped up thanks to the return of Mendenhall, Harrison and Polamalu. Plus, the team is honoring it's latest Hall of Fame inductees Jack Butler and one of my all time favorite players Dermontti Dawson! There's pretty much nothing that could spoil the day! Well, except that I just know with my luck the team will run out of the tunnel wearing this.

Yikes, nothing like watching the team dressed as extras for Shawshank Redemption: The Musical.

Steelers over Eagles

Green Bay (2-2) at Indianapolis (1-2)

And now, ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce interim head coach Bruce Arians! Somewhere Art Rooney II is very happy Indianapolis doesn't show up on Pittsburgh's schedule this season. Awkward!

Packers over Colts

Miami (1-3) at Cincinnati (3-1)

Well, that Ryan Tannehill might not be too bad. Could Miami have finally found a competent quarterback to replace Dan Marino? Wow. It only took 13 years.

Bengals over Dolphins

Cleveland (0-4) at New York Giants (2-2)

Sorry Cleveland, but I think you probably caught New York on one of their good weeks. Sorry you missed them last week, or even in Week 1. I guess those are the breaks.

Giants over Browns

Atlanta (4-0) at Washington (2-2)

My upset special! The second undefeated team earns their first loss of the season. Come on, this one looks just screwy enough to happen. Plus, I wonder about Atlanta when they had such a tough time handling the Panthers at home.

Redskins over Falcons

Chicago (3-1) at Jacksonville (1-3)

If Brian Urlacher would be so kind, I would appreciate if he would email the directions to the fountain of youth he obviously found to Casey Hampton, James Harrison and Troy Polamalu.

Bears over Jaguars

Seattle (2-2) at Carolina (1-3)

See, I figured this week would be when Seattle paid for their gift touchdown. Long week, long travel, plucky Carolina team just itching to get on the right track. Wait, I still think they'll pay.

Panthers over Seahawks

Buffalo (2-2) at San Francisco (3-1)

Buffalo is tied for the division lead in the AFC East. Not bad. That reign, unfortunately, is about to end.

49ers over Bills

Tennessee (1-3) at Minnesota (3-1)

This is the week I officially take Minnesota seriously. Don't let me down boys.

Vikings over Titans

Denver (2-2) at New England (2-2)

Another reason I'm excited to go to the Eagles/Steelers game in person? I don't have to spend the entire day being pummeled from every angle about Manning vs. Brady. That alone will be worth the price of the ticket. Oh, and you think Brady will let this one get away?

Patriots over Broncos

San Diego (3-1) at New Orleans (0-4)

Yes, I believe just Sean Payton being in the building will help this team garner their first win. That and do you trust Norv Turner on the road two weeks in a row? Me either.

Saints over Chargers

Monday

Houston (4-0) at New York Jets (2-2)

Oh, it's so close, it's palpable! I'm guessing maybe even before this game is over, it'll be Tebow Time in the Big Apple! It won't help in this game, but it'll throw everyone into a tizzy again, and that's enough for my entertainment dollar!

Texans over Jets

Thursday

Pittsburgh at Tennessee

Gee, I wonder who I'll pick with no fore knowledge of the results of Sunday. Hmmmm....

Steelers over Titans