The Crystal Ball 2012 Back to the Show

As a mea culpa, I must admit with summer here and the Pittsburgh Pirates playing baseball at such a tremendous level for the first time since VHS tapes still held relevancy, I have been rather lax on football and well, The Crystal Ball. But now seems a good time to dust off the ol’ word processor and get serious with mini camps on the horizon…wait what? They’re over?!? Oh. Well then we should start gearing up for training camps. What? They’ve already STARTED??? They’re already playing preseason games TOO??? Yeesh!

Ok, while I attempt to tear myself away from Olympic coverage and try to get a handle on this raging case of Pirate Fever long enough to get a handle on the NFL universe, how about we take a moment to look back at this year’s off season. Good gravy, next thing you’ll be telling me is we landed a rover on Mars.

Opening Kickoff

The NFL has managed to make watching college age men get hired for well paying jobs a prime time event. Seriously, they’re just printing money at this point.

Super Bowl Mini Wrap up

Giants 21 – Patriots 17

Wow, the Giants beat the Patriots again with a miracle catch late in the game followed by taking the lead with less than a few minutes remaining, and Brady failing to score a needed touchdown with less than a minute left in the game. I totally didn’t see that coming!

I know watched this game before, and at first I thought it was a rerun. But after repeated viewing, I realize that it was just a combination of a sequel and a re-enactment. Everyone loved the original so much they decided to do it again. But they couldn’t think of how to make the game more exciting than the original, so they just copied the previous version. 

Sure, not everyone from the first time was there, so they just substituted new actors, I mean players, like Hollywood does in sequels, to play the same parts. Mario Manningham takes the place of David Tyree, Rob Gronkowski takes the place of Randy Moss, no muss no fuss and a big payday for everyone.

Although they did add one new twist, with Belichick letting the Giants take an easy score at the end in order to preserve time and their last time out in an effort to put together a final game winning drive. Yes, I agree that it was a good strategy with the Giants all but assured to at least come away with the lead while bleeding the clock. But I must point out the only other time I saw it happen in a Super Bowl (Packers vs. Broncos) it didn't work for the team that allowed the score then either.

Super Bowl XVI also set a new viewership record, which came as no surprise to me, as I know as well as anyone that people love classic TV episodes.

In the more absurd, voyeuristically entertaining post game fracas, Gisele Bundchen caught up in the moment of watching her husband lose yet another Super Bowl, lashed out at a group of taunting Giants fans, blaming the Patriot receivers for not catching Brady’s poorly thrown passes.

While no one on the Patriot offense had a particularly good day, it’s probably best to not say anything lest you give someone else fodder with which to make fun of you. Which is exactly what happened when Giant running back Brandon Jacobs told Gisele to shut her pie hole. I guess he’s not a fan of the world famous super model.

Regardless, Giant fans came away elated, Patriot fans had something new to complain about, the rest of us got to enjoy watching Brady and Belichick lose, again, in the Super Bowl and Peyton Manning muttered to himself, WTF how does Eli have more rings than I do? All in all, a satisfying Super Bowl.

The Steel Pit

Yeesh, what hasn’t happened in Pittsburgh since last meaningful football was played?

We all know about the Arians firing/retirement and the Todd Haley hiring. And the weeks that followed with Roethlisberger’s public pouting fest. At one point, I think half of Steeler nation was ready to trade Ben to the Colts straight up for Andrew Luck just so he could be reunited with Arians and we wouldn’t have to hear his whining anymore.

Mercifully, he figured out that Haley didn’t want to run on every down and the two actually spoke about football, and all seems to be fine. But it will be fun when they have their inevitable blow up at each other.

Meanwhile, Hines Ward, Joey Porter, Chris Hoke, Aaron Smith, Marvel Smith, Willie Parker and for some reason Kordell Stewart all retired as Steelers. With those retirements, there is no longer an active Steeler who played in Three Rivers Stadium. A true end of an era in Pittsburgh.

With Chris Kemoeatu, Daniel Sepulveda and James Farrior all cut from the team, and Farrior possibly going to retire as well, the squad looks almost unrecognizable, except for Troy’s hair and Keisel’s beard. Heck, just to get a good look at a recognizable Steeler team, I had to go to see The Dark Knight Rises. I always knew Hines’ touchdown runs were explosive.

Troy Polamalu said in an interview he’s hid concussions to stay on the field. NFL players and fans everywhere gasped in a collective non reaction. Honestly, was anyone surprised to hear this? Does anyone think only Troy does this? Does Goodell really believe his “safety” measures have changed this culture yet?

The team also had a great draft, taking two highly regarded offensive line prospects in the first two rounds and continuing to beef up and stabilize their offensive line. I believe this move came from events that played out in January, when Art Rooney II stated publically that Roethlisberger had to tweak his game. Ben then stated he wanted to have a tête-à-tête with Art II and it became a huge deal about nothing in the Burgh. I imagined their conversation went something like this.....

Art II - I want you to tweak your game, you're getting sacked too much and you're getting too old to take that kind of punishment.

Ben - Well, if you want me to get sacked less, then how about putting something in front of me that's stronger than tissue paper.

Art – Touché.

Fast forward three months to the draft and the first two Steeler picks are for offensive linemen. Curious, no?

And last but not least, the team finally did away with their awful fried egg helmet throwback uniforms that they only seem to break out when I’m in attendance. I cheered for a total of 4.5 seconds before I saw what they were replacing them with. Ugh. I hate NFL merchandising.

Surveying the Landscape

Alright, let’s look at a few noteworthy changes to the NFL we know and love. I wonder if the NFL has overreacted to the Saints yet again and banned Bounty paper towels too.

For the first time, the NFL has announced there will be Thursday night football games all season long. Eh, I need time to work up to having the NFL on 4 nights a week. You don’t go straight from a 5K to a full on marathon without running a few races in between. Come on NFL, pace yourselves.

The league is also considering cancelling the Pro Bowl due to a lack of competitive play from the participants and the growing number of no shows from star players. This is such a dumb, hypocritical idea it makes me nauseous. I cannot stand this harping about lack of competiveness. By the time we get to the Pro Bowl, players are at the end of a brutal season they managed to survive, and most of the time happy they did. At this point, they want to take the family on vacation and play a bit of ball with their friends before they all go rest and recuperate during the off season. To think they'll risk injury right before such earned time off, injury that could be potentially career threatening, is ludicrous. The NFL for its blowhard stance on player safety should not condemn the players for trying to avoid unnecessary injury and just market the game as the light exhibition it is. Heck, why not just go to a seven on seven drill and let the linemen relax! Yeesh, Goodell, if you really want more revenue and a competitive game, how about adopting the Super Bust!

The Dallas Cowboys and Washington Redskins were both docked money from their salary caps over the next few seasons. The NFL stated they were being punished for spending over the cap limit in 2010, when oddly enough there was no salary cap. I’m still trying to figure out how that makes sense.

The NFL this season for the first time will allow fans to access the All 22 film. This is film shot from a high angle that shows all 22 players on the field and what they all do on each play. I fear where the NFL's all access for cash will go to next, and I'm telling you right now I will not be paying a fee to see player MRI results.

Working to flex their muscle and break another union for the second year in a row, the NFL has locked out the league referees, and will go forward with lower college division referees and potentially high school referees. Now, tell me how having rookie referee crews working every game is going to help with safety, especially just to save a few bucks on part time employees? Perhaps the NFL is trying to save money to fight the litany of lawsuits against the league. If so, perhaps they need to start taking a piece of the tips the beer and peanut guys make too.

No Forwarding Address

Ok, I was thinking of trying to do a list of all the players who found new homes, left old homes or got fat paydays from their current home. But then it dawned on me, you already know. Every fan already keeps track of the players who leave an join their club. So how about we just focus on the two everyone noticed, and are now tied together, Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow.

As we all know, the NFL world held its breath for two magical weeks during Manning's free agent journey. The coverage was only rivaled by that generated by Brett Favre in saturation and ridiculousness. But once the dust settled, to the surprise of many Manning found a new home in Denver.

Now, with a brand spanking new conventional pocket passer quarterback, John Elway finally found a way out of the Tebow dilemma without alienating the entire Bronco fan base. And Elway wasted no time shipping the 2011 playoff hero out of town as fast as possible. 

The New York Jets, always a team ready for extra media coverage and potential controversy, happily took Tebow to add to the Rex Ryan circus. Now, from the start, Ryan stated that Sanchez is still his starter and Tebow will be the back up, come in for wild cat packages and perhaps work with the punt team. Yeah right. Denver tried that, and as soon as Kyle Orton struggled fans were clamoring for Tebow. How long do you think it will take for the notoriously impatient New York fans to demand Tebow? I'm guessing by the second quarter of their first preseason game.

Plus, on a side note, how will only bringing Tebow in for just wild cat packages work? Every time an opposing defensive coordinator sees Tebow enter the game, he's going to know its some convoluted running play and just adjust to stop the run. I mean, it's not like Tebow can throw an 80 yard touchdown or anything. Damn! Still too soon.

But even though both teams seem happy with their new quarterbacks, the signing and trade were obviously without controversy.

Television minister and professional curmudgeon Pat Robertson, never one to hesitate to stir up vitriol and hate, blasted the Broncos for dumping the religious Tebow, and stated that Manning getting injured would serve the franchise right. Yes, nothing like wishing bodily harm on one person just for spite. Not very Christian of you there Pat, and I bet Tim would agree.

But no fear, the Broncos weren't the only one to face some wrath. Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath, who has made a career from one guarantee, ripped the Jets for making the trade. This came as a surprise to the three people left in the western world that didn't realize that Joe hates every Jets quarterback that aren't named Namath.

So what does all this mean? Does it mean New York and Denver will meet in the AFC championship game just to spite the detractors? Will Manning get hurt? Will Tebow take over? Nah, it just means people are bored with too much time on their hands until actual football is played. Well, except in New York, who will deal with a quarterback controversy as soon as Sanchez has is first 6 for 13 for 114 yard passing day. Say week 2. And then we all suffer as the NFL press will never shut up about it. Thanks Elway.

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Only in pro football could Terrell Owens, radioactive kryptonite to NFL teams, managed to get a job as a receiver for an indoor football team, and partial ownership, then be fired from said job. If it weren’t sad, it would be hilarious.

Now, to me, I find the news of perpetual blowhard Warren Sapp filing for bankruptcy hilarious. Ok, maybe not hilarious, but definitely dripping with schadenfreude. It would seem when it comes to balancing a checkbook, Warren is old, slow and done.

A Patriots fan took the time to have a sleeve tattoo put on his arm that depicted the Patriots team, notably Bill Belichick and Tom Brady, as Lego's. If I were the Lego Group, I'd sue that guy for malicious douche-baggery. Some people just don't know what to do with themselves in the off season.

As the Bronco brass was actively trying to hit Tim Tebow on the ass with the door as he left town, his former teammate Demaryius Thomas took a few shots at Tebow on his way out of town. Man, where’s the love? I mean come on Thomas, if Tebow hadn’t thrown that dead on pass to you to win that playoff game, no one would know your name.

In other Tebow news, Tim is in a legal battle with a fan over the term Tebowing. No word yet on who’s claiming Linsanity or the soon to be coined, HoustLin Rockets.

After being arrested for domestic abuse against his mother, Dez Bryant will face no charges as his mother declined to pursue the case. I know people can be capable of some pretty low things, but what kind of man beats on his mother? I’m willing to put money that Giants, Redskins and Eagles fans will at minimum give him a humiliating hard time. At least I hope so.

As if anyone cared, Tom Brady's father said in an interview he wouldn't let Tom play football today if he were a kid. Yes, but it's still fine now, even though he keeps racking up brain trauma, as long as Tom keeps bringing in fat paychecks, right? Who asked this joker his opinion, he's even more annoying than his son.

Before the NFL draft, a woman took to You Tube to offer up a night of, well, potential naughtiness to whomever was picked last in the draft, the erstwhile Mr. Irrelevant. I'm not sure if Chandler Harnish, the 2012 Mr. Irrelevant, took the young lady up on her offer, but I'm sure things like this are taught as situations to avoid in the NFL Rookie Symposium.

The more I see Michael Irvin showing up on TV, in interviews, hanging out with draft picks, trying to stay relevant and in the limelight, I keep thinking one thing; he seems to be acting like Apollo Creed at the beginning of Rocky IV. I hope he doesn't think a comeback is a good idea. 

Patriot owner Robert Kraft was subject to some internet ridicule for his part in an audition video that went viral. Usually, I'd make this an opportunity to make fun of anything Patriot, but hey, Kraft has had a tough year. And you know what, most people stink at acting, so heck, who are we to make fun. And finally, heck, he gets to spend his free time helping actress friends audition for movies. What do you do with your spare time?

Enough being nice, how about some Patriot ridicule! The Patriots told Rob Gronkowski to cool it with the Summer of Gronk. Woof, I'm glad I've been clueless this year, I'd have hated to see what the Summer of Gronk entailed, but something tells me it involved no shirts and tons of Twitter. Ugh.

Michael Vick claimed in the press that the Eagles have a chance to develop a dynasty. Unfortunately, everyone took this the wrong way without realizing what Vick was really saying. What he meant was they could develop a reboot of the 80's nighttime soap opera Dynasty to compete with TNT's successful Dallas reboot.

The NBA board approved a measure to incorporate advertising into their team uniforms by the 2013-2014 season. Why do I bring this up? Because if the NFL can figure out how to make this happen, your favorite team will start looking like NASCAR race cars faster than a Larry Fitzgerald touchdown run. Guaranteed.

And finally, the Pittsburgh Steelers switched their carbonated beverage provider from Coca Cola to Pepsi Cola. Yes, this is the important information you need to know to prepare for the 2012 NFL season. You are welcome.

Draft 2012 First Impressions

Each year as April becomes May, we find ourselves in the midst of the NFL Draft, the culmination of the largest masturbatory exercise of the NFL Universe. With the endless mock drafts, the NFL has managed this year to tantrically extend the draft over three mind blowing days. Here’s what I took away from three days of watching college kids get job offers.

Everyone’s big story was Roger Goodell's uncomfortably long man hugs/celebrations with the first round draft picks with much speculation revolving exactly why Goodell was acting so seemingly bizarre. Come on, there was no mystery to this behavior, the Lady K figured it out right away. She pointed out he was holding those guys close to tell them emphatically that he now owns their ass, and if they screw up, he'll nail it to his wall like he has with James Harrison and Jonathan Vilma.

To the surprise of no one, every NFL general manager and head coach felt good about their picks and draft overall. If they didn’t say such, then they’re actively trying to get fired.

Rich Eisen lost his mind over punter Bryan Anger getting picked in the 3^rd round by Jacksonville. Rich, Jacksonville is allowed to use their picks however they like. There are no rules.

And by the way, I loved this, what a great name, Anger. I can imagine the call on the field; “The Jaguars drop Anger onto the return team, pinning them deep.” Nice.

Andrew Luck. Dorky haircut + goofy smile = Manning 2.0. Hmmm, I think he needs some self effacing endorsement deals.

San Francisco signed Moss and Manningham then drafted A.J. Jenkins. How many receivers does a team need to showcase their below average quarterback and running game?

The Rams out patrioted New England by trading down and banking picks. Not bad for a team in major rebuilding mode.

The Redskins drafted quarterback Kirk Cousins. Is this hedging your RGIII bet?

New Seahawk Bobby Wagner found out he had been drafted when he was in the bathroom. I hope he washed his hands before he picked up the phone.

And the Browns had a banner day, drafting a running back high, and one that no one seemingly wanted to draft that high, despite conventional wisdom says go with quarterbacks now. And then at the end of the first round, they drafted a quarterback who will be 29 before the season ends. As a matter of fact, Weeden, their new quarterback, will be older than all other starting quarterbacks in his division save for Ben Roethlisberger, who is one year older, entering his 9^th year in the NFL and a two time Super Bowl champion. And people wonder why Cleveland continues to suck.

And after signing Peyton Manning, the Broncos drafted quarterback project Brock Osweiler, who is in playing style much like Manning and nothing like Tim Tebow. I really wish I knew exactly how John Elway felt about Tim Tebow. I guess it will forever remain a mystery.

He Said He Said

How about just a few quotes just for fun? I know there are already some gems coming out of camps, but let’s save those for a bit.

“Yes, I think I am.” “Yeah I consider myself in that class. And Tom Brady is a great quarterback.” – Giants quarterback Eli Manning before the 2011 season when asked if he considers himself a top 5 quarterback in the elite class of Tom Brady.

Mmmmhph, mmmmph! Sorry, it’s tough to comment with my foot so firmly lodged in my mouth.

“We've got to do everything in the world to make sure we kill Frank Gore's head. We want him running sideways. We want his head sideways ... Every single one of you, before you get off the pile, affect the head. Early, affect the head. Continue, tough and hit the head ... We need to decide on how many times we can beat Frank Gore's head.''--Former New Orleans defensive coordinator Gregg Williams

I’m sure he was the only coach to ever say something like that, in any sport ever. Allow me to contort my face in mock horror.

"This is the most heinous, egregious thing in the history of the this game ... Not for one second would I sit in a room and listen to someone say, 'We're going to take out someone's ACL,' without standing up and saying, 'What the hell are you talking about?' ''-- Former NFL defensive tackle Warren Sapp

Why do I feel like he’s not only lying, but also hoping no one has video of him saying something similar? Sapp, quit trying to just get your name in the press and find something useful to contribute to the conversation.

"This isn't about a money grab. It's an education grab. Colt McCoy gets [concussed] last year in a game and goes right back in. Two high school players here in Hawaii got put back in a game after concussions. There needs to be a huge outreach across all levels of football to educate people about the dangers of head trauma and football. Whatever happens -- win, lose or draw -- this is going to be good for every generation, past and future, because it will continue to educate people.'' – Former NFL player Rich Miano on why he became a part of the lawsuits filed against the league by former players

I had been wondering what the reasoning was behind so many players turning on their former employer, especially since it did not make sense to me how they could benefit if they did damage to the league with their litigation. This clarifies things greatly and makes tremendous sense. It’s a shame they need to take these actions to wake up the NFL power structure.

"It is official that I will be an Indianapolis Colts for my entire career. I will not play for another team. My last down of football will be with the Colts.''-- Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning when he signed his last contract with the Colts

Here’s what I said in response to that quote last season:“I think Brett Favre said something like that once in Green Bay too.” Peyton, back to you.

Idiot of the Offseason

Well duh, it’s Roger Goodell. After all this time off, I’m not going to tease you on this one. Plus, it’s pretty obvious.

Goodell has garnered the award by being his usual clueless self and singularly focused on his goal of expanding to an 18 game season.

While the NFL world around him burns, specifically off season arrests of active players are up, the league is being sued for collusion, former players by the thousands are suing the league because of concussions and the league has locked out the referees, Goodell has barely taken notice of any of these humongous red flags.

His big offseason news was to spank the Saints and a few key players over the Bountygate scandal. And why did he crack down so hard on something that has occurred in football since the games’ inception? Because it looks bad in the press to have players intentionally injuring each other when the paying customers are already showing signs of rejecting the NFL’s culture of violence and perceived lack of safety for those who play the game. And if customers start turning away, well then there’s less money to be made. We’ll get into more of this very shortly.

But for ignoring real problems to once again focusing, clandestinely, on adding games and revenue, Roger Goodell, you are an idiot.

On Tap This Preseason

Thank goodness for training camps, no? It gives not just the players, but everyone else time to gear up and get in shape for the season. And we have work to do, did that ever turn out long, disjointed and kind of messy. Before the Giants kick off the season, stay tuned for an enlightening look at the Saints bounty scandal, some tidbits from training camps and the preseason, a potential new format change, just maybe a look at the scintillating Pirates who keep holding my attention and a look at my own personal training camp, and yes it is athletic. Keep it down peanut gallery. See you soon!