The Crystal Ball 2011 Week 13

Ok, when I did my available quarterback list last week, I forgot Kellen Clemens and Jake Delhomme were still available, and with good reason. Unfortunately for Texans fans, Houston management did not.

Opening Kickoff

How much fun was it watching Peter King create a Favre to the Texans story on Sunday Night Football? Did you notice in his conversation with Texans general manager he did not inquire about the team’s possible interest in Jeff Garcia, whom the Texans worked out the previous week? King just asked about Favre. You think King is missing Favre and how special knowing Favre makes him?

The Way It Was

Vikings returner Percy Harvin ran a kickoff back for 104 yards and did not score. Moving forward the kickoff line 5 yards is to blame!

Eagle fans let loose their frustration during their embarrassment thanks to the Patriots by shouting fire Andy. What did they do after the humiliation in Seattle?

Raiders’ punter Shane Lechler booted an 80 yard punt. Now explain to me again why kickers and punters are not in the Hall of Fame?

Houston, who had moved to quarterback Matt Leinart after Matt Schaub was placed on injured reserve, lost their backup for the season due to injury. The Texans are going through Matts faster than Bed Bath and Beyond.

The Texans are now down to T.J. Yates and newly signed Kellen Clemens and Jake Delhomme at quarterback. Hmmm, Yates sounds like a poet you learn about in freshman lit.

Cardinals’ returner Patrick Peterson tied an NFL record with his fourth punt return for a touchdown this season, all over 80 yards. Hello, new Devin Hester!

The Steel Pit

Steelers 13 – Chiefs 9

Why must every time I watch Pittsburgh play on Sunday night it has to suck? Ok, I’m being harsh; I need to look at this through the Tebow Prism. They won, and that’s all that matters. Aaaaaah, I feel much better now.

Pittsburgh looked like a team who had not played in two weeks and were coated in a thick layer of rust. I feel even stronger that mandatory down time during bye weeks is hurting teams more than helping.

Troy Polamalu left the game after hitting his head into an opponent’s knee and was diagnosed with the mysterious “concussion like symptoms”. I knew Troy was not coming back almost immediately. Any hint of concussion equals no play in today's NFL; well usually.

Kansas City actually did decent job and played an inspired defensive game. But the sloppy play, dumb penalties and bad turnovers hurt Pittsburgh’s offense more than anything, outside of Tamba Hali.

Regardless, the team managed to escape KC with a victory and a much needed game to knock off the rust. And it had better be removed; Cincinnati is a much better squad than the one they just barely beat.

Ward Watch – With a 4 catch, 21 yard effort, Hines is now 15 catches from 1000 and 9 yards from achieving 12,000 receiving yards for his career. The latter seems almost predestined, the former, well that may be a bit harder to come by. But knowing Hines, something tells me he will make this happen.

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

The NFL suspended Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh two games for stomping on an opposing player. Ok, raise your hand if you’re surprised.

Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson mocked both Jet receivers Plaxico Burress and Santonio Holmes during a touchdown celebration. Funny and topical. Then Johnson backtracked and apologized to Burress. Come on Johnson, Burress knows he a twit for shooting himself.

Wayne Weaver announced he’s selling the Jaguars, extending the contract of the team’s general manager and fired head coach Jack Del Rio. We’re one step closer to introducing your Los Angeles Jaguars. That makes sense to me, since LA is already full of jags.

CBS cameras caught Chargers kicker Nick Novak taking a tinkle on the sidelines of the Chargers/Broncos game. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

In response to Novak answering nature’s call, the latest craze sweeping the nation is Peebowing! Really? Are we this bored?

At his own request, Donovan McNabb was released by the Vikings this week. Much to his own dismay, no one claimed him off of waivers. My, how the mighty have fallen. Well, put him on the Kiln, Mississippi retirement farm.

Tom Brady’s dominance over Philadelphia made a young Eagles fan cry. Don't feel bad kid, he's been making grownups cry for years

Apparently, Chad Ochocinco’s fiancée has stated that until 85 scores a touchdown on the field, he’s not scoring one in the boudoir. Oh my, why do I know these things?

According to Fox Sports, the Atlanta Falcons use the name Oprah as part of their audibles on offense? Wow, Oprah really is everywhere!

Upon Further Review

The Green Bay Packers announced further details of their soon to start stock sale, with each share in the team slated to be sold for $250.

The Packers are selling stock to make improvements and updates to fabled Lambeau Field, and I tip my hat to them for making this move. Honestly, isn’t this how a business should be run? If you want to make positive changes or improvements in your business, you need capital. And to raise that capital, you offer something of value to those who can provide it. That only makes sense. Since I fully plan to be in attendance the next time Pittsburgh faces Green Bay at Lambeau Field, I want my Green Bay experience to be as exquisite as possible. And if my small contribution can make that possible, well then bring on the beer, brats and cheese!

Yes, I know this is the same team that vanquished my beloved Steelers last year in the Super Bowl. But honestly, the opportunity to be an NFL team owner is a temptation almost too great to pass upon. Whilst I am like most Americans with a limited budget, if I have an opportunity between now and February, when the sale ends, yours truly will be an NFL team owner by the time the Super Bowl rolls around.

Plus if you think about it, I’m only doing my part to better the NFL as a Steeler fan. Read the article. If it weren’t for Steelers chairman Dan Rooney and then commissioner Paul Tagliabue, the Packers previous stock sale, and subsequent stadium improvements, would have never happened which could have been devastating to a small market team like Green Bay. So if you think about it, if it weren’t for the Steelers, the Packers as we know them today would not exist. So it’s almost a necessity for me as a Steeler fan to back the Pack.

Ok, yes I may be justifying in a sense, but come on give me some slack. There’s no way I will ever be able to purchase an NFL team in todays market at the current asking prices. Even the lowly Jaguars are going for a mint. Short of a record Powerball jackpot, I couldn’t even afford season tickets. It’s not like I’m buying stock in the Ravens *shudder*.

So when I get that stock certificate in my hand, I’ll frame it proudly as a new minority owner of The Green Bay Packers. And when I get my private tour of the facilities, which is a perk of being a Packer owner, I’ll rub my Terrible Towel all over the place. That ought to put enough Pittsburgh mojo onto everything to keep unpleasant happenstances such as Super Bowl XV from ever happening again.

Duck Duck Coach

Wow, this is an early appearance for this treasured feature. Why are we here so early? Well…..

Indianapolis – Indianapolis fired defensive coordinator Larry Coyer in an effort to shift blame for their atrocious season. Sorry Jim Caldwell, but you are not far behind. The only coach that’s gonna survive this season is Peyton Manning.

Jacksonville – The team parted ways with head coach Jack Del Rio. Considering Del Rio made three playoff appearances, with only one win, and no division titles in nine season, I’m surprised he lasted this long.

Kansas City - I said last year that questions’ regarding Kansas City head coach Todd Haley’s continued employment will not come until the team is reeling this season at 3-5. Well, they’re now 4-7. Let’s start questioning.

San Diego – Ok, nothing substantial here yet, but come on. How can Norv Turner possibly survive this season?

He Said He Said

“Norv Turner sucks!” – San Diego fan heard during the television broadcast of the Chargers/Broncos game

“Fire Andy!” – chant from Eagles fans during New England’s destruction of Philadelphia

It’s nice to see fans from coast to coast with such firm grasps on the obvious.

“…the Steelers, who were consistently sloppy, occasionally stupid and eminently beatable.” – Kansas City Star sportswriter Sam Mellinger

Whoa, hold up there Sam. You forgot intermittently boneheaded.

"There's not a doubt in my mind that this team (is) going to be in Jacksonville. You have to trust a individual's integrity, and I have no doubt that Shahid is going to do what he plans to do." – Current Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver on selling the team to businessman Shahid Khan

No offense to Khan (KHAAAAAAAN!), but didn’t Clay Bennett say he was going to keep the Sonics in Seattle when he bought that team? And where do they play now?

“I think you guys wanted it to be about me, but it’s not about me. I’m a team guy.” – Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward on his suddenly reduced role in the Steelers offense.

See, that’s why I love Hines. I know on the inside he’s probably seething, but on the outside, he would never let it affect the team. Stevie Johnson, take notes.

"I am fed up. I'm tired of losing. Everybody in this locker room, they'll say they're tired and they want to win every game. I want to win this year. Everybody says we're building, we look good. I don't really care about the building process because I want to win now. I'll worry about next year next year. I want to win now." – Browns receiver Josh Cribbs

Maybe if you ask Santa really nice he’ll bring you a win.

"I don't want to bring the circus to town." - Texans General Manager Rick Smith on adding Brett Favre to his quarterback starved team

Rick, we’re not talking about the circus, just down home good country boy Brett Favre. What could go wrong?

“I might have said that. Or maybe a block. Maybe all of it.” – Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, with a chuckle, when asked if he was praying for Nick Novak’s 53 yard field goal attempt to go wide

"I thought Jason did a good job. He got held a lot and didn't get the calls, not that that's anything unusual." - Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley on backup Jason Worilds performance against KC

If he's getting held with no calls, then he is a Steeler linebacker.

Idiot of the Week

This week, we celebrate Ndamukong Suh for pulling off a back to back win of Idiot for making a bad situation, stomping on a fellow player in anger, even worse by appealing his two game suspension and then getting into a car accident.

I dub Suh the two time idiot because by appealing his suspension, he’s obviously not sorry for what he did and his about face on Friday with a “real” apology and his call to Goodell were all bull pucky. He meant to slam that guy’s head off the turf and meant to stomp on him. If he was sincere in his apology, and sincere about not being violent and meaning to severely injure another player, he’d suck it up and serve his suspension like a man. But he’d rather appeal it and continue to act like an out of control jagoff, so for that he wins the coveted Idiot award for a second week in a row. Congratulations Ndamukong, you are the rare back to back Idiot.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, how can I give this to Suh when Bills receiver Stevie Johnson and his antics is such an obvious choice? But is Stevie this week’s obvious idiot? Look at all the other viable candidates I had from which to choose.

-       Referee Jeff Triplette, who told Charger and Bronco team captains during the coin toss for overtime that "Each team must have an opportunity to possess the football." Sounds like Jeff has been reading the college referee handbook too much.

-       Bills kicker Dave Rayner and his horribly botched kickoff that gave the Jets such sweet field position after Johnson’s celebration penalty.

-       Eagles’ receiver DeSean Jackson, who obviously quit on the team to the point that Andy Reid benched him for the 4th quarter in their loss to the Patriots. What's next DeSean, sit ups in your driveway?

-       Sports Illustrated senior writer Peter King and his nomination of Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith as his sportsmen of the year for saving football with a new deal. Peter, they had three years to put a new deal in place BEFORE it expired and still waited until two minutes past the last possible second. You can't give an award to two dopes that saved something they almost blew up.

-       Chiefs receiver Dwayne Bowe, who when jumping for a sailing Tyler Palko pass at the end of the game, did not bother to put his hands up, and the ball was intercepted by Pittsburgh, who subsequently kneeled twice and walked off the field after snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. Heck, if Bowe had put up just one hand, the ball would have been deflected to the ground safely and the Chiefs would have had a few more opportunities to win. That reminds me, I need to send Dwayne a nice gift basket for the one he gave Pittsburgh fans.

Those clamoring to be dubbed idiot just poured out of the woodwork. There’s no way Johnson could even crack the top five this week.

And if you think about it Johnson isn't an idiot, he's just at the forefront of the next wave of me-first, look-at-me diva type wide receivers. With Randy Moss retired, Chad Ochocinco persona non grata in New England and T.O. still desperate for anyone to look at him, and everyone refusing to do so, there is a huge vacuum currently in the NFL for over the top showboating pass catchers. And if I've learned anything from Spock, it's that nature abhors a vacuum.

Johnson is just working to fill that void, and from what I've seen doing a tremendous job. In one game he hit the trifecta with pulling a Moss (ticking off the home crowd with his Burress and Holmes impression) an Ochocinco (earning a penalty for his antics AND ticking off every NFL talking head and columnist, all of who like to claim the NFL is the "No Fun League" and chastise celebration penalties, yet when they see one over the top celebration they blow a gasket) and a T.O. (dropping a sure completion with an alligator arm catch with the game on the line).

That doesn't sound like an idiot to me, but a master craftsman honing his skills. If anything, he should be triumphed. You know how hard it is to pull off a sampling of the best work of three of the greatest NFL divas of all time, in the same game no less? Outstanding work young man! Kudos Stevie!

On Tap This Week

Not too shabby showing last week. Unlike Philadelphia, I am still in contention for the championship.

Last week: 11-2

Thursday: 0-1

Season to Date: 119-59

It’s time to separate the wheat from the chaff. Playoff push….activated!

Sunday

Oakland (7-4) at Miami (3-8)

Linebacker Rolando McClain was arrested for holding a gun to a man’s head and firing it within inches of his head, amongst other charges. I love that he’s wearing a black and white striped hoodie in his mug shot. Seems fitting, no?

Raiders over Dolphins

Denver (6-5) at Minneapolis (2-9)

Need you even ask? Of course not, cause we’ve got roundtrip tickets on the Tebow Train!

Broncos over Vikings

Kansas City (4-7) at Chicago (7-4)

Matt Forte + Bear Defense = Caleb Hanie not screwing this up.

Bears over Chiefs

Tennessee (6-5) at Buffalo (5-6)

Tennessee can smell blood in the water and has a chance to steal the AFC South title. But something tells me Stevie Johnson makes a catch and the Titans screw this up.

Bills over Titans

Atlanta (7-4) at Houston (8-3)

Houston has the better record and is at home. How good do you feel about T.J. Yates? I thought so.

Falcons over Texans

Indianapolis (0-11) at New England (8-3)

Dan Orlovsky is starting for the sad case Colts. Anyone remember him? His last prominent action came as a starter for Detroit. Yeah. Maybe he’ll run out of the back of the end zone again.

Patriots over Colts

Cincinnati (7-4) at Pittsburgh (8-3)

The return of the Bungles!

Steelers over Bengals

New York Jets (6-5) at Washington (4-7)

Hmmm, which team annoys me the least….Never mind, too hard to decide.

Jets over Redskins

Carolina (3-8) at Tampa Bay (4-7)

Welcome to Ugh game number 1.

Buccaneers over Panthers

Baltimore (8-3) at Cleveland (4-7)

Would anyone be surprised if Cleveland pulls off a victory? Not this cat. But I’ll happily take the loss.

Ravens over Browns

Dallas (7-4) at Arizona (4-7)

It’s weird to think Dallas has the inside track to win the NFC East. Perhaps this division isn’t as tough as people make it out to be.

Cowboys over Cardinals

St. Louis (2-9) at San Francisco (9-2)

This is where Jim Harbaugh takes out his frustration from losing a football game to his brother.

49ers over Rams

Green Bay (11-0) at New York Giants (6-5)

Giant defensive back Antrel Rolle guaranteed a Giant victory over the Packers. Chalk that up to the triumph of hope over experience.

Packers over Giants

Detroit (7-4) at New Orleans (8-3)

Oh yeah right, like I’d pick Detroit even if Suh were playing. Did you see New Orleans humiliate Eli Manning in front of his family last week?

Saints over Giants

Monday

San Diego (4-7) at Jacksonville (3-8)

Ugh game number 2. Let’s just call this one Norv Turner’s attempted job saver.

Chargers over Jaguars