The Crystal Ball 2011 Week 2

You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... you can't breathe... because you're in over your head. Like quicksand. – Washington Sentinals replacement quarterback Shane Falco

I dedicate this quote to the Broncos, Chiefs, Colts, Dolphins, Falcons, Steelers, Donovan McNabb and Tony Romo, who most likely felt they were playing in quicksand. And I thank them for giving me a chance to use a sweet reference to The Replacements, especially since the fan bases for each team have been thinking of your replacements all week long.

Opening Kickoff

I cannot believe it. An entire weekend of professional football occurred without Brett Favre in a game, on a roster or even discussed or mentioned. And yet, the world kept spinning, people kept living and the sun kept shining. Perhaps we will make it in a post Favre world after all. Wait, is that Indianapolis picking up the phone?

The Way It Was

I must say, Phil Simms is rapidly climbing the ladder of my most despised announcer. Come on Phil, what was that on Sunday? Did you have money on the Ravens or something?

Seriously ESPN, did we really need a three hour pregame show? Are you trying to burn me out on football before the games even start? How much “analysis” from Keyshawn can I stand?

Ok, did the Jaguars actually care more than the Titans or were they just the team that sucked least? Yeah, I’m going with the latter.

Maybe the family Shanahan was right about Donovan McNabb after all. But that would mean Andy Reid got rid of him at the right time and managed his career clock well! NOOOOOOOOO!

Ok, I figured the Chiefs would be a sloppy mess that exposed Todd Haley. I just never figured it would be this bad this soon.

As for their game counterparts, all hail the Toronto Bills!

Now that, Houston, was nutting up. It is officially your division to lose.

That sound you heard was televisions clicking off for the remainder of the season in Indianapolis.

Yes, the Texans/Colts game was awful from the Colts standpoint, and Kerry Collins was not exactly playing at a Pro Bowl level. But he didn’t exactly lose the game either. So before we crucify poor Kerry and pray for shaman healers to sojourn to Indiana, let’s keep one thing firmly in mind. Neither Peyton Manning nor Kerry Collins play defense for the Indianapolis Colts. And apparently, neither do those currently on their roster.

Hmmm, not sure what to make of this Bears group now. Either they are better than I care to admit, or the Falcons are worse. Ok, fine, I give up. I fought it all last season and I tried this season, but I cannot hold back any longer. The Bears with Jay Cutler are a force with which to be reckoned. Are you happy now?

Congratulations Detroit, you officially will not have a repeat of 2008.

How about Mike Scifres filling in for the injured Nate Kaeding for kickoff, extra point and field goal duties and kicking ass? Whoops, I mean balls. I mean FOOTballs. Yeesh.

Raiders’ kicker and party animal extraordinaire Sebastian Janikowski booted an NFL record tying 63 yard field goal to close out the first half in the Raiders throttling of the Broncos. Ok, if any kicker out there really wants to impress me, tie or break that record somewhere other than in the mile high air of Denver. Then you will pique my interest.

Ok Cam Newton, a few more games like that one and those painful rookie lessons on a bad team may not be so painful after all.

Tom Brady to Wes Welker for a 99 yard record tying touchdown pass from the Patriots one foot line. Other than the Dolphins secondary, was anyone surprised?

Ted Ginn scored two touchdowns in 59 seconds on a kickoff return and punt return. And Dolphins fans everywhere quietly swore and said, why couldn’t you do that here?

The Cowboys lost a game in which they held a 14 point lead in the fourth quarter for the first time in team history, in part because of Tony Romo fumbling on the goal line and then throwing an atrocious interception. What’s everyone complaining and getting on his case about? He always said he looked up to Brett Favre, why would it be a surprise that he emulates his game? Zing!

The Steel Pit

Steelers 7 – Ravens 35

That was the worst preseason game yet. Wait, that one counted???

Ummm……

Obviously Baltimore got sick and tired of being Pittsburgh’s whipping boy and finally stood up for themselves and stuck it to Pittsburgh at every opportunity. No? Well think of why you’d run for a two point conversion up by 20 points and in obvious command of the game? They wanted to stick it to Pittsburgh.

This theory was backed up by their over the top celebrating during and after the game, plus obvious denials that this removed the monkey off their backs or they exorcised some Steeler demons, since their success against Pittsburgh lately has been, well, wanting.

I’ll give them this one. They played a heck of a game and were far more prepared than the boys in Black and Gold. But if you want to impress me Baltimore, win when it counts; say in the playoffs, not in Week 1. Still haven’t done that yet, have you? I thought so.

Honestly, I was not that upset about this loss. After the 2^nd turnover to start the 3^rd quarter, I was more in awe than angry. It was like watching the Keystone Cops with all the flubs, turnovers, missed assignments and general confusion. I dubbed it the Murphy’s Law game, because everything that could go wrong did.

Heck, when the brawl happened, I figured why not. Not like anything worse could happen, right? And that fight clued me in to how bad it was for Pittsburgh. When you see Troy Polamalu fighting, well then things are not going well at all.

It reminded me of the Ravens/Steelers game in Pittsburgh in 2007. In that game Roethlisberger threw 5 touchdowns in the first half, the defense forced 4 Raven turnovers and the Steelers triumphed 38-7. Same teams, same rivalry but the script just flipped this time.

Pittsburgh was not outplayed in every aspect of the game. They had their fanny whooped in every aspect of the game. This was an ass kicking, and it was delivered with extreme prejudice.

Let’s hope that’s the bottom of this well.

In other news, coming in under the wire of their self imposed deadline to not negotiate contracts during the season, the Steelers inked a new deal with safety Troy Polamalu. Polamalu stated with the signing of the contract he can retire as a Steeler. Not to rain on any parades, since this was met with universal applause, but I do have a question or two about that statement.

I don’t want to presume how long any one player can play, as it is a personal decision based upon how they feel mentally, physically and motivationally. But this new contract will be in effect until Polamalu is 34. Mind you, I know he cannot play forever with the wild abandon he has done to this point in his career. As a matter of fact, I believe by midway through this contract he won’t be the game changing presence that forces defensive coordinators to plan around like he is now. That job will be turned over to Lawrence Timmons in the next few seasons. But I imagine if the desire is still there, he could still be an effective player past the age of 34. So my question is what happens if his desire is still there when this contract expires?

Ward Watch – Hines had 5 catches in an otherwise unwatchable game. He now needs 41 more receptions to achieve 1000. Let’s hope when that catch comes, it comes at home, and in a better game.

Miller Time – I found out that Heath Miller only needs 11 catches to reach 300 for his career, which would put him 6^th on the all-time Steelers list. Not bad for a tight end typically used in blocking schemes. We’ll keep an eye on Heath as well.

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

According to the Wall Street Journal, the best looking team in the NFL is the Buffalo Bills. On Monday morning, Bills fans for once agreed.

49ers receiver Braylon Edwards filed a $14 Million slander lawsuit against a Detroit restaurant, which claimed he was directly involved in a fight at the establishment cost him a large guaranteed contract. Yeah, it was what the restaurant said that cost Edwards a big contract. It certainly was not his attitude, propensity to drop easy passes and tendency to disappear at big moments in big games that kept teams from throwing money at him.

A group of Denver fans are planning to erect billboards in Denver calling for Kyle Orton to be benched and Tim Tebow installed as the starting quarterback. Oh, how no one respects the Neckbeard anymore.

A contingency of retired NFL players are suing the NFLPA, Tom Brady and Mike Vrabel, now a retired player himself, stating they did not have authority to negotiate on their behalf during the DBA negotiations.

Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher left the team after his mother passed away unexpectedly. Our prayers and well wishes go out to Urlacher and his family during this trying time.

Former Patriot and grumpy old man Tedy Bruschi tore into new Patriot Chad Ochocinco for Chad’s in awe comments regarding the Patriot offense, telling Chad to quit tweeting and start studying his playbook. Hey Tedy, relax. Chad has a right to be amazed; he’s never seen a good offense before. Remember, he used to play in Cincinnati. And while he was not a critical part of the offense, how about cutting the guy some slack. He’s only been part of the team for less than two months. As I read through Bruschi’s comments, I kept waiting to see him say, “Back in my day…”

In other former player blowing hard and insulting current players, Warren Sapp had a bucketful of comments aimed at Pittsburgh. Sapp, who has had issues with the Steelers for years called the Pittsburgh defense “old, slow and it’s over” and took personal shots at Troy Polamalu, James Harrison and Hines Ward. Thanks Warren that will be just the chip their shoulders needed.

The Putdown: Mercedes Sapp can cover Hines Ward right now. You have to be kidding me…Mercedes is my 13-year-old daughter. She will cover Hines Ward in a heartbeat. – Warren Sapp

The Comeback: I don’t have a reaction to that. Bring his 13 year old daughter out there and see if she can cover me if she wants to. (laughs)

Zing! Oh and by the way Warren, I’m sure 13 year old girls love to be used as part of an insulting comment by their fathers in the national press. That’s not embarrassing at all.

Upon Further Review

Far be it for me to give Tom Brady credit, as I loathe doing such. But watching the Patriots on Monday night, I noticed something that Brady does far better than any quarterback.

He runs the no huddle offense as it’s supposed to be, fast off the snap, fast back to the line after the play and fast with the snap and into the next play. Too often I see teams running a no huddle, and that translates into getting to the line fast after the play, then standing there while the quarterback directs traffic while the offense stays set and loses their edge and the defense has a moment to catch their breath.

Typically, the quarterbacks will continue to do the traffic direction until the play clock almost expires. This would be an emulation of Peyton Manning’s histrionics which works for Manning in confusing a defense and allowing him to dictate the flow of the game, but not so much anyone else.

The only way a no huddle can be truly effective is if the offense runs play after play, constantly back to the line and snapping the ball. The key is to move fast to avoid wasting the game clock while relentlessly pounding on an increasingly winded and fatigued defense that barely has time to get set let alone take a breath or even remember their assignment.

If a quarterback is going to take all day to finally figure out the defense and call the play from the line, you might as well just huddle up and let the lineman stand up and stretch out.

In that vein, in the no huddle Brady also deftly avoids the seemingly nonsensical act of directing traffic. He gets to the line with the offense set, and instead of wasting time trying to ascertain what the defense is doing, he calls his play, gives a few nonverbal cues and hikes the ball. Maybe 15-20 seconds expire off the play clock. He doesn’t let the defense dictate to him what he will do and second and third guess himself. He sees what they show, calls his shot and dares them to stop him. Yes, sometimes they stop him, but more often than not Brady catches them with their pants down.

Monday night in Miami was a clinic for the no huddle offense. Brady and the Patriot offense had Miami so far on the ropes in the third quarter, the Dolphins defense actually were forced to call a time out just to catch their breath and substitute in some fresh bodies. And by doing that, the Patriots forced the Dolphins to burn a time out that might be critical in the late stages of the game. Not only are they tiring out the defense, but they are hamstringing the opposing offense at the same time.

Why more offensive coordinators and head coaches do not instruct their quarterbacks to operate the no huddle offense this way perplexes me. Perhaps the coaches do not know how to teach it properly, or perhaps their quarterbacks do not have the talent or play calling ability to run the offense proficiently. Either way it’s a shame, because watching an offense operate like that, even if it’s the Patriots offense, is tremendous to watch. I will, begrudgingly, admit. If you doubt me, just ask Chad Ochocinco. He knows firsthand.

He Said He Said

"It was a good start for us. I've just got to ask myself, 'What would have happened if we had offseason workouts? Could we have started any faster and scored more points tonight?’ ” – Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers poking fun at stories that questioned his team leadership regarding off season team workouts such as the kind his counterpart Drew Brees organized.

Well yeah Rodgers, jeez your team only scored 42 points. Come on man, you’re not Tom Brady yet!

"This was an old fashioned butt whipping, plain and simple." – Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor

“I’m not here competing with other quarterbacks. I’m here to win ballgames.” – Vikings quarterback Donovan McNabb in response to the huge passing numbers put up throughout the league last week.

Uhhh, Donovan, you threw for 39 yards total and lost. Perhaps you should be a bit concerned.

“I know people are going to try to define our season with this one game. We’re not going to let that happen.” – Steelers linebacker LaMarr Woodley

Quote parroted in 15 other locker rooms throughout the league during opening weekend.

“I've never seen a machine operate like that n person, to see video game numbers put up n person was WOW.” – Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco on Twitter commenting on the Patriots offensive explosion in Miami

It would seem that our merry jokester is finding out how football is played outside of Cincinnati.

"The whole thing about ghosts and demons and monkeys, that stuff is not real to us. This was a football game.'' – Ravens head coach John Harbaugh after Baltimore’s beat down of Pittsburgh

I don’t buy that for a second, especially considering how they reveled in piling it on at every opportunity. The only thing missing from the post game revelry was Steve Young pulling an invisible monkey of their backs and screaming they can never EVER take this away from the Ravens!

“I guess it felt like an assurance that we are who we thought we were.” – Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson on Buffalo’s thrashing of Kansas City.

Bwahaa ha ha! Nice!

Idiot of the Week

This week we place the crown of Idiot on the handsome head of Tom Brady. Awww Tom, after I gave you such glowing compliments too.

Tom Terrific garnered the award by espousing the following encouragement to Patriots fans prior to the team’s home opener.

"Start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It's a 4:15 game. They have a lot of time to get lubed up and come out here and cheer for their home team."

Brady obviously was joking around, you can tell by his impish grin. Oh, how magnificent it is too. But in the current atmosphere in America’s stadia, is such an off the cuff remark a good idea? This year alone we’ve seen a shooting at a Raider preseason game and a savage beating after a Dodgers game. Plus encouraging this behavior also leads to drunk driving, which is always a concern following sporting events.

I know the NFL wants to keep the beer and booze sponsors happy, so I’m sure there will be no strict reprimand of Brady. But perhaps just having a traditional television commercial and marketing campaign would better serve in this case. We certainly should not condone drunken, rowdy behavior at a family friendly NFL venue. Think of the children!

If children who are lucky enough to attend an NFL game are being inundated by irresponsible behavior, how will they be able to absorb the visual and audio stimulus and product inundation of controlled, sanctioned violence, junk food, fast food, soda, beer, liquor, sexual aids, gambling (only NFL licensed lottery tickets, all other gambling on professional sports is wrong!) cars, trucks, lawyers and many other fine products offered by national, regional and local companies and venders?

If adults acting like rebellious teenagers are distracting these children and sending them the wrong message regarding authority figures, how will they ever understand the true lessons to be learned at an NFL game, such as glorifying winning at all costs, that winning means everything and losing compares to a failure you will never recover from, that shallow selfish behavior will lead to fame and fortune, that fame is not equivalent to talent or hard work (reality television advertisements teach this mostly, mostly), and that while there is no I in team, there is ME. Think about these things before you get hammered to the gills, tailgating adults, what message do you want to send? Perhaps Tom should have thought it through too.

Ok, if you do not find a goofy, tongue in cheek remark enough to earn Tom the award this week, then this embarrassing advertisement should be. I knew that UGGs deal would be mortifyingly awful. For that commercial alone, and encouraging reckless behavior, Tom Brady you are an idiot.

On Tap This Week

One game does not define a season. Well, maybe in the Bills case it should. Heck they should package that game as their 2011 highlights and sell it now.

Regardless, fans of the losing squads from last week are hanging their hats on that statement. It’s just one game, one week out of 16. I know I am, since I did not get off to a rousing start.

Last week: 9-7

Season to date: 9-7

It just goes to show, you never know how good, or bad, teams are based upon preseason results. Until actual games are played, it’s all academic.

Sunday

Seattle (0-1) at Pittsburgh (0-1)

With Super Bowl XL referee Bill Leavy officiating this game, Seahawk fans will at least have something to blame this loss upon. Let’s just hope he doesn’t decide to make up for some of those self-described blown calls.

Steelers over Seahawks

Oakland (1-0) at Buffalo (1-0)

Ok, early season test to see who’s the real deal and who is smoke and mirrors. Since Orchard Park will be in a wicked frenzy, I think I’m going with those handsome devils up north.

Bills over Raiders

Green Bay (1-0) at Carolina (0-1)

Hey Cam Newton, nice debut. Now let’s see what you can do against the defending Super Bowl champion defense.

Packers over Panthers

Kansas City (0-1) at Detroit (1-0)

Did you ever think you’d see the day when you looked at a Lions game and think, there’s no way I’m picking against them? Me either, yet here we are.

Lions over Chiefs

Cleveland (0-1) at Indianapolis (0-1)

If Cleveland had one last week, I’d give them a chance. And yes, perhaps I’m still buying into the Indianapolis mystique but things cannot get this bad this fast for the boys in blue.

Colts over Browns

Tampa Bay (0-1) at Minnesota (0-1)

Ok, rough start for the Josh Freeman Express. They’ll get healthier this week. Thanks Donovan!

Buccaneers over Vikings

Chicago (1-0) at New Orleans (0-1)

Chicago is solid, but New Orleans is at home. No one is ever sure how someone will react to the loss of a parent, especially an unexpected loss. So if Urlacher has 3 interceptions returned for touchdowns, I won’t be shocked. But I learned from doubting the Saints at home before and paid dearly.

Saints over Bears

Jacksonville (1-0) at New York Jets (1-0)

Although they pulled off an exciting come from behind victory Sunday night, New York benefitted by some nice Cowboy brain farts in the 4^th quarter. Regardless, I still think they can take care of business against Luke McCown.

Jets over Jaguars

Baltimore (1-0) at Tennessee (0-1)

Baltimore will be a steamroller until someone knocks their block off, say November 6^th in western Pennsylvania.

Ravens over Titans

Arizona (1-0) at Washington (1-0)

What, Washington plays better defense with a hungry 7^th round nose tackle than with an overpaid, overhyped $100 Million defensive tackle? Get out! And Rex Grossman takes one more step at being called a prognosticating genius. Weird.

Redskins over Cardinals

Dallas (0-1) at San Francisco (1-0)

San Francisco christened the Jim Harbaugh era by needing two touchdown returns to win. Dallas would have pulled an upset if not for a couple of bad plays. Yeah, I give the edge to Dallas.

Cowboys over 49ers

Cincinnati (1-0) at Denver (0-1)

John Fox’s debut was not what Denver fans had hoped for, especially against Oakland. If he cannot get Orton and the offense to pull it together, the cries for Tebow will get even louder. Come on Neckbeard, it is time to rise up!

 Broncos over Bungles

Houston (1-0) at Miami (0-1)

All right, now let’s see what you really have Houston. Think you can defeat a defense that got whupped Monday night? I do.

Texans over Dolphins

San Diego (1-0) at New England (1-0)

Let’s see, Norv Turner leading his charges on the road to New England? Think there might be some passing in this game?

Patriots over Chargers

Philadelphia (1-0) at Atlanta (0-1)

Michael Vick returns to Atlanta. Will Arthur Blank hang out with him on the sidelines like old times? Will he give the Dirty Bird crowd the Bird? Will someone make an inappropriate dog joke?

Eagles over Falcons

Monday

St. Louis (0-1) at New York Giants (0-1)

Watch how fast an unbalanced attack affects the Rams with Steven Jackson out nursing a quad injury. I was worried this would happen.

Giants over Rams