The Crystal Ball 2010 Wildcards Part 2

Welcome to Wildcard weekend at The Crystal Ball, where we have been diagnosed with a case of NFC West fever. I hope it passes soon.

Opening Kickoff

For years people have bemoaned the possibility of a team with a losing record hosting a playoff game. Merely the abstract possibility was enough to cause massive hand wringing and teeth gnashing. And this year, it finally happened thanks to NFC West division champion Seattle and their 7-9 record. The horror! The absolute horror! What will happen to us all now?

Nothing, that’s what. Did the Earth stop spinning? Did fire rain from the heavens? Did locusts fall from the sky? No? Then get over it people.

The Way It Was

Whoops, looks like I jumped on that Tebow bandwagon before all the wheels were properly bolted on.

Ooooh, bad time to collapse under pressure Kansas City. Color me unimpressed by their playoff chances.

Nice try Baltimore. Good luck on the road.

What a wonderful end of the season for Detroit, winning four out of five games. Now if Stafford could just stay healthy.

Ok so perhaps Sean Payton’s week 17 record is justified. I knew I should have gone with Tampa Bay. Rats, skunked again.

See, like I said never underestimate Belichick’s drive to humiliate.

Awwww, look the Chargers and Broncos both managed to screw me one more time. Good times.

Wow, I was right again, the Giants won but are sitting home in the post season. Such a shame they are sitting at home, they made predictions so easy as of late.

Don’t get too down Rams fans. The team has talent, but this season was just too young, too error prone and too inexperienced. At least Sam Bradford will have plenty of time to play with his new ping pong table now.

Huh. Charlie Whitehurst. Go figure.

The Steel Pit

Steelers 41 – Browns 9

What a nice thorough butt whipping of the Browns to win the division and secure the number 2 seed in the AFC. It was beautifully played game that was over after Pittsburgh’s first offensive play, set up by Troy Polamalu’s splendid interception. I found myself in the school of thought that Troy should sit out and rest up for the playoffs, and it turns out I was pleasantly wrong.

With the team taking it easy until their first playoff game next week, there was not much happening news wise, so thoughts and tongues wagged at the rumors that Big Douche had become engaged over the Christmas holiday. Yes, I know, how is this news in any way? It’s not. But hey, if he has changed his life and found someone special, I say good for him. Perhaps I should change his nickname now to Big Fiancé. Yeah, it was a slow week news wise for the team.

One factoid I did read that I found interesting is that after their first 4 seasons, Mike Tomlin and Bill Cowher both have identical records, finishing an excellent 43-21. Except I would like to point out one small difference; Tomlin captured one Lombardi trophy during his first four seasons. And has a good shot at capturing a second as well. Yes, I am a bit jazzed for the playoffs, does it show much?

Only In Faux NFL Reality…

Der commissioner Roger Goodell took his case for a new CBA to the fans in an open letter. Nothing like trying to sway public opinion in a ham fisted effort.

Former Jets massage therapists are suing Brett Favre for sexual harassment. Yeah, because I’m sure Brett is the only testosterone laden professional athlete to act inappropriately around team employed massage therapists. And really, teams employ massage therapists? What a great job perk. I need to get a job with an NFL team because I have a knot in my shoulder the size of a softball.

Meanwhile Jenn Sterger told the NFL that she did not bring up her saga with Favre earlier because she felt nothing would be done about it. Hmmm, lets see the league fined Favre $50,000 and that’s it. I guess Sterger was right.

The Titans, showing they have the poker face of a hyperactive pre-teen, announced that the winner of the Fisher/Young feud is Fisher and will release or trade Vince Young. Yeah, now that you announced it to the entire league, good luck getting anything better than 10 cents on the dollar for him and his contract.

And for the heartwarming story of 2011 so far, homeless man Ted Williams, he of the phenomenal voice, has been basking in the limelight, while having homes and jobs thrown at him, most notably from local basketball team the Cleveland Cavaliers. With the Cavaliers job offer Williams has now officially become the most popular sports related person in Cleveland. See what you did to that city now LeBron?

Duck Duck Coach

Ahhh Yes, once again our yearly feature returns to track who gets fired, who gets hired and who stands pat in the world of NFL head coaches. By now, much has shaken out but a little review and looking ahead cannot hurt anyone, no? So lets find out who is getting mega bucks and who is getting mega fired.

Dallas – Predictably, Jerry Jones found a way to skirt the Rooney Rule and hired Jason Garrett as his new head coach. Let the Mini Jones jokes ensue.

San Francisco – The team hired a general manager and is the front runners in trying to land Stanford head coach Jim Harbaugh. Perhaps trying to generate that Stanford/49er magic that once occurred with Bill Walsh? It couldn’t hurt.

Denver – The team hired hero John Elway to the front office to help restore some luster to the organization while also trying to woo Jim Harbaugh. I hope it helps.

Minnesota – Also predictably, the Vikings game the job to Leslie Frazier. Hey, perhaps he’ll have an easier time without having to deal with some 41 year old prima donna egomaniac at quarterback.

Carolina – To complete their train wreck season, head coach John Fox was let go. Stay tuned for the inexpensive nobody who will be hired.

Cleveland – In a surprise to no one, the Browns fired Eric Mangini after just two years on the job. The team will now search for his replacement, and I cannot imagine where team president and former head coach who wants to return to the sidelines Mike Holmgren will look.

Oakland – After two seasons of steady improvement and finally a non losing record this season, the Raiders fired head coach Tom Cable. This is the dumbest organization ever. One, who even wants this job now knowing how dysfunctional the ownership and front office is? Seriously would you trust this organization with your employment future? And two, even if the team finds a coach who will take the job, something tells me they will not have a passion for it that Cable did. Hey, I didn’t like the guy, but he seemed to genuinely care about making the Raiders great again. This would never happen if Al Davis were still alive.

Kansas City – Offensive coordinator Charlie Weis is leaving for the same position at the University of Florida. The rumor mill is filled with grist that Weis is leaving because he does not get along with head coach Todd Haley. Ok, now we’ve seen Haley get into it with Anquan Boldin on the sidelines during the playoffs, lecture Josh McDaniels after a game, scream at his players and drive off the offensive coordinator who turned around the Chiefs offense and Matt Cassel’s career. Is it time yet to finally say he’s a twit? What, wait until mid season next year when the articles start cropping up what’s wrong with Kansas City when they are 3-5? Fair enough.

New York Giants – With much rumor floating around, the team announced Coughlin would be staying and are giving him a contract extension. Move along, nothing to see here.

Miami – After a brief flirtation with flavor of the moment Jim Harbaugh, the team decided to stick with Tony Sparano. I’m sure he feels secure in his job right about now. Perhaps he should take the Raider job.

Houston – The team announced he will continue to be the head coach, at least for the 2011 season. Results, specifically a playoff berth, must be achieved for his employment to continue to 2012.

Jacksonville– Jack Del Rio will also remain the head coach despite collapsing at the end of the season and missing the playoffs, although he must hire a defensive coordinator and correct mistakes that doomed this season or he will not be in this position next season.

Bungles – After months of alluding to leaving if things did not change with the team’s front office, specifically improved scouting and better practice facilities, the team and Marvin Lewis announced Lewis would remain the head coach while nothing of significance regarding his demands will change. What a glutton for punishment.

Saddle Up!

Strap on your spurs kiddies, It’s time once again to pick your playoff horse. Sad your team did not make the playoffs? Lost about whom to root for over the next few weeks? Wondering who you can get behind in the big games when your team is sitting at home eating Doritos? Then you’ve come to the right place as we will help you pick your playoff horse.

I know, you’re asking yourself what the deuce is a playoff horse? A playoff horse is merely your temporary team for whom to root during the playoffs if your boys are sitting home in January. Unsure how to pick a playoff horse? Then rest easy, since your friends here at The Crystal Ball have you covered. Here is all you need to know as you go forth into the NFL post season.

1. Avoid teams from your division – This has too many incestuous ramifications, and could create bad karma for your team the next year. Plus, if they won it all, would you really be able to live with yourself? Avoid division teams at all cost.

2. Avoid traditional rivalry teams – This is paramount, and can create as much bad karma as a division rival, perhaps more. If you are a Raiders fan, you do not root for Denver ever. You would never see a Cowboys fans rooting for Philadelphia either. That would just feel sleazy.

3. Avoid teams that beat up on your team – Sure, your team had a bad year, but why rub their noses in it by rooting for a team who tortured them.

4. Never buy any merchandise of your playoff horse – This is a very short term commitment, no need to invest any money in it. Plus, you could be labeled as a band wagon fan or even bring bad football karma to your team. You never want to split your true loyalties. And, if any of your family or friends who know nothing about football sees this merchandise, it could lead them to believe this is your favorite team and the next thing you know you find Seattle Seahawks Salt and Pepper shakers under your tree next Christmas. Always a bad thing.

5. Look for teams that did not play yours - This makes it easier to cheer for your playoff horse, since you cannot create bad karma or look like a band wagon fan. Plus, you will not be reminded of when they played your team this season, which could be a bad memory.

6. Try to find a positive connection to your favorite team – Does your playoff horse play in the same state as your team? That works. Are their former players from your team on their roster? Probably, so why not root for those guys, you liked them at one point in their careers. Do you have a friend who is a big fan of a team? Go with his or her team.

7. Look for the sleeper – This is a great one, since if you pick the right team, and they go all the way, you look like a genius. And if they lose, well, you have lost nothing. There is always one team lurking and ready to pounce; the only question is if they could go all the way. Maybe they just need some extra cheer.

8. Pick one team from each conference – Always have two, it increases your odds for making it through the playoffs. Plus, if they both happen to make it to the big game, then you look like an uber genius. On the off chance this should happen, switch all support to the team representing your conference. It’s always good for your real team to be in the more powerful, and Super Bowl laden conference. Trust me, the 80’s and 90’s were rough on us AFC folks.

9. You must pick your horses before the playoffs begin – Yes, I know, this only gives you a week to mourn your season’s end and then find someone to root for, even if it’s only half heartedly. But you cannot cheat by peeking at Wild Card weekend and seeing who might really have a shot.

10. If your horses lose before the Super Bowl, you are done – Just like if your own team were eliminated from the playoffs, so too go your temporary allegiances. After that, you can only pick winners for each game. Well, if you have a few bucks on the game, then cheer away. But if not, then just watch as an objective party. Now, if you want to root still, my advice is to root against the teams you cannot stand. If you are any true fan, I’m sure there will be more than a few of those around, even when there are only two remaining combatants.

Remember, this is only for the short term and just for a little fun. You are just rooting for a team so you can create a little vested interest in the playoffs. After the team is done, or the playoffs end, so does your support for your playoff horse. Any cheering for them after that means you are either gleaming off of their success and that would compromise your own team, or you are a band wagon fan, and that would really hurt your team and your credibility. You never want to do anything that would compromise your true allegiances. With that in mind, go out there and find your playoff horse, have a blast and good luck!

He Said He Said

"I know it's time.''- Vikings quarterback Brett Favre during post game interviews after Minnesota’s final game on his potential retirement

Yeah I’m not so sure he does know.

"We won't see him don another uniform, ever. Anywhere. No doubt in my mind whatsoever.'' – Vikings head coach Leslie Frazier on Brett Favre’s supposed retirement

Until he dons a Raiders uniform….

"I'm a football coach. I'm Jim Nobody from Nowhere. I keep my spoon in my soup. I don't eat anybody else's soup. I just do my job.'' - 49ers interim head coach Jim Tomsula after getting a shot at being a head coach after a long and difficult road coaching

I love his story, but I don’t understand the soup reference.

"In this society, everybody wants to fire the coach all the time. We don't do that here.'' - Giants owner John Mara, announcing that coach Tom Coughlin would return in 2011

Continuity breeds success.

"There is no apologies for making it into the playoffs. The easiest way to make it to the playoffs is to win your division, period, point-blank. We did that." – Seahawks safety Lawyer Milloy

He’s right, but that hasn’t stopped the hand wringing and complaining about the Seahawks being in the playoffs.

"I don't know when I'm going to beat him, but i want it to be Saturday night. is it personal? Yes it's personal." – Jets head coach Rex Ryan on beating Peyton Manning

Just how personal Rex and does it involve a foot massage?

"I'm excited where we are.'' – Bungles head coach Marvin Lewis while announcing he will remain with the team

I cannot imagine how he could be excited in any way, unless the team now will be instituting Taco Tuesdays.

Idiot of the Week

This week, the NFL provided more than a few worthy candidates. But I feel rather gregarious so I will bestow the award on no one. Yes I will let all idiots and potential idiots off the hook in honor of the conclusion of the regular season.

However, I reserve the right to revisit this stance if the next regular season becomes threatened in any way due to a labor stoppage or lock out and will happily give this to Roger Goodell, the NFL, team owners, DeMaurice Smith and the NFLPA. Come on guys, there’s plenty of money find a way to cut the pie.

On Tap This Week

Ok, it’s time for the fun final tally. How did we do?

Last week: 10-6
Season Finale: 159 – 97

Not a bad finish, but not quite good enough for a top spot. But hey, if you reached the top every year, where would the burning desire be to strive harder next season come from? No matter, the playoffs are here and it’s time to shine.

Yesterday

We’ll go over those games next week. See part 1 for the picks

Sunday

Baltimore (12-4) at Kansas City (10-6)

Let’s see, Charlie Weis is leaving to be a college offensive coordinator, Todd Haley is showing he’s an idiot and Matt Cassel seems to be falling apart as the kid caught in the middle of a divorce. Yup, that’s just enough distraction.

Ravens over Chiefs

Green Bay (10-6) at Philadelphia (11-5)

The Pack finished super strong with a great defensive effort against their division foes the Bears. Meanwhile Philadelphia faded and Vick’s leg has a big hurtie on it and the ultra unfunny Jamie Kennedy is pulling big time for Philadelphia Enough said.

Packers over Eagles