The Crystal Ball 2010 Week 1

What was up with Bob Costas’ hair Thursday night? Bob go a little lighter on the Grecian Formula next time.

Opening Kickoff

I always find the beginning of every football season fascinating. 32 teams work for months for that first game. OTAs, training programs, film and playbook study, training camp, preseason games, practices, repetition after repetition of every minute detail until the excitement and buildup grows to a fevered pitch, with the only release being opening weekend. And then of the 32 fan bases, teams, owners, front offices and personnel, half of them will suffer from a severe letdown come Monday morning. Sure hope I’m not one.

The Way It Was

With no games last week, let’s just throw out a few nuggets of information and oddities to get the season rolling.

The Vikings and Saints had a moment of union solidarity before the game, raising their arms and flashing a number 1 symbol. This act very well could be repeated throughout the NFL on Sunday to send a message to ownership. Hey guys, you’re sending a message to the fans as we watch you and the owners bicker about pennies like this. But you used the wrong finger to tell us, who buy the tickets, products, merchandise, cable packages and everything else that provides cash to the league, to show us how you feel about us.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh found himself unceremoniously cut by the new look Pete Carroll-led Seahawks. Championship! But having missed getting his fanny beat twice a year by Pittsburgh, he signed a one year contract with the Ravens.

By the way, does anyone think the Pete Carroll experiment will end well? No? Ok just checking.

Speaking of USC alumni, Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman award nullified by the Heisman Trust due to his, shall we say, penchant for free gifts during his college playing days. I call shenanigans on this unless the Heisman Trust can show me that all previous winners of the award are above reproach, never had any under the table dealings during college and have been upstanding citizens after graduation. O.J., sit down.

Wait, Tennessee could not wait to watch the door hit Albert Haynesworth on his way out, now they may want him back? What is Jeff Fisher thinking, other than he wants to be Idiot of the Week.

Revis Island is once again open for visitors, and Jets fans have convinced themselves his return assures them Super Bowl victory. I’ll wait until later to pop that bubble.

That shrieking gasp you heard Thursday was a collective noise emanating from New England once word got out of Tom Brady’s involvement in a car accident. I cannot blame them, it sucks having your douche bag quarterback unavailable.

Hey but all worked out well for Tom Terrific, not only was he fine, but he just got paid by the Patriots. Here’s the article, in case you missed Peter King’s breathless, halting report Thursday night. Is King that bad on TV, or was he just all choked up with emotion regarding Tom’s accident? Either way yikes.

What? You want one more from the Patriots? Ok. Randy Moss is complaining he feels unwanted in New England because they haven’t offered him a new contract. Well Randy, then go pout on the couch with Logan Mankins. I’d love to see him tank the season like he did in Oakland.

Interesting article from Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock regarding the divide between the Browns and legendary running back Jim Brown, I recommend it. But as I read it, all I kept thinking was, and this is why Cleveland will always lose.

Joe Montana, a Notre Dame alumnus, recently intimated to Dan Patrick that the movie Rudy was not accurate to what really happened on the Notre Dame football that season. Hey Joe, Forrest Gump is obviously not historically accurate, but that doesn’t stop it from being a good, heartwarming story. Come on, sometimes it’s ok to allow a bit of dramatic license. Man, what’s next George Gipp never asked for the boys to win one for the Gipper?

Peyton Manning and Colts president Bill Polian have been complaining about the changed position of the umpire, moved from amongst the linebackers on the defensive side to behind and to the side of the running backs on the offensive side, because of how it affects a hurry up offense. If an offense snaps the ball before the umpire is in position, it will result in a 5 yard illegal snap penalty. Obviously, this affects Peyton’s rapid fire offense more than most. Well, the NFL tweaked the rule, lessening the distance the umpire has to be behind the ball from 15 yards to 12. Wow Peyton’s now become just like Favre, he too can singlehandedly change rules that affect every team and player just by his mere presence. What you think that overtime rule was changed because teams really felt it was unfair, or because several loud mouthed pundits got the ball rolling because Favre lost in the playoffs, in overtime, again?

The Steel Pit

Three points on upcoming season before we find out exactly how much trouble the team is in before Big Douche’s return:

Point 1 – I knew Maurkice Pouncey would be good, but opening the season as the starting center and the team jettisoning Justin Hartwig good? Color me pleasantly surprised.

Point 2 – What’s the point of keeping Byron Leftwich on the roster? He’s out two to four weeks. You only needed him for two to four weeks! That’s a waste of a roster spot that could have been kept for someone who might make a difference. And on that train of thought, if Dennis Dixon is the starter until Big Douche’s return, then leave him as the starter unless he’s catastrophically bad. Don’t mix quarterbacks, don’t bring in Leftwich if he’s healthy enough and no sub packages. Playing musical chairs with quarterbacks will do more damage to Dixon and keep the offense from finding any sort of rhythm until week 5.

Point 3 – Every year I have a veritable cow about preseason Super Bowl predictions. I find it such a waste of time to try to prognosticate a champion from 32 teams before one down that counts has been played.

But I know what you’re thinking, that I’ll feel differently this year since Peter King picked the Steelers to defeat the Packers in this years Super Bowl. Well you’re wrong.

I still feel as though this is a sheer exercise in futility. I mean there are 16 teams in the NFC. How could anyone possibly know in early September which team will lose to Pittsburgh in February? It’s just such a ridiculous exercise, it pains me to even acknowledge the nonsense.

And on a side note, thank you Peter King. Not only for the vote of confidence in my team despite our trials, but also for resisting the urge to go all homer and pick the Patriots to make the Super Bowl. That must have been hard to do considering your love for Tom Brady and your new residence in Boston. Plus you resisted the urge to pick the Vikings or the Colts. Such journalistic dedication is noticed by all and much appreciated.

Upon Further Review

The Arizona Cardinals finally gave up on quarterback Matt Leinart, cutting him after four unimpressive seasons. While that may be unsettling to Matt, he should consider this. The Cardinals thought they were better at quarterback with 2 rookies and Derek Anderson than with Leinart in the fold. If that’s not an insult, I don’t know what is.

Now, the NFL is nothing if not a league for second chances. If you do not believe me, please speak with current Bengals Terrell Owens, Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones. So of course Matt was able to procure employment, signing on with the Houston Texans to back up Matt Schaub.

But I think Matt panicked and took the first job available. If he had thought things through, he would have realized there were much better options to be had. Since Matt signed only a one year contract, all is not lost, so I’ve whipped up a few suggestions Matt may want to explore before making his next career move.

Pittsburgh – Sure, this would only be for a few weeks, but considering how the team is shedding quarterbacks, right now wide receiver Antwaan Randle El is the third string quarterback, and that Big Douche cannot seem to go an entire season without missing at least one game, opportunities abound.

Buffalo – This would be the place to go to finally get that coveted starting quarterback position. Because if you cannot beat out Edwards/Fitzpatrick/Brohm then perhaps it might be time to find a new career. Perhaps hot tub sales would be more along Matt’s forte.

Chicago – Hey, no way Matt can throw as many interceptions as Jay Cutler, plus Leinart is much better looking.

Cleveland – Yeah, stick it to Derek Anderson and take HIS old job!

Oakland – Everyone on their last legs or last chance ends up here, kind of a last stop before exiting the NFL. So don’t pick this place as a destination, because it will likely happen anyway.

Jacksonville – They have good receivers, and a great running game and I think this season will be the one that everyone realizes David Garrard is highly overrated. Hey, just like you Matt!

Philadelphia – Easily the most popular quarterback in town is the one BEHIND the starter. At minimum, you’d be able to rebuild your confidence, popularity and get a nice healthy buzz generated. Just avoid talking with Michael Vick.

Tampa Bay – Come on, Josh Freeman? That’s no name for a star quarterback, not like Matt Leinart.

Indianapolis – First, remember there’s no shame in backing up Peyton. Think about it, he’s never missed a start, and when he does come out of the game, it’s because the team has locked up its playoff position and nothing you do could possibly hurt the team. It’s the easiest job in the NFL.

He Said He Said

“Pregame shows are like telethons.” - NFL Films head honcho Steve Sabol

Well, they have enough people on them to man the phones, and the cause could easily be support broadcasting jobs for retired players.

"I told him there are no style points for throwing the football.'' - John Elway in a football conversation he had with Tim Tebow

Considering how some people act, you’d think there were.

"He handled himself with a tremendous amount of class. I was pleased with that. He showed a lot of maturity, and he thanked me for the opportunity. It wasn't an easy situation, and I know it's tough for him, but he understood. He was a man about it.'' - Arizona head coach Ken Whisenhunt, on Matt Leinart after releasing the quarterback

You stay classy, Matt Leinart.

“Let's go eat a god--- snack." - Jets head coach Rex Ryan to his team after a locker room speech

I guess the lap band isn’t working so well.

"I grew up here, and I dreamed about being Mark Malone or Walter Abercrombie someday." – Steelers quarterback Charlie Batch on Pittsburgh

Oh Charlie, you should have dreamed bigger.

"The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina." - NFL Hall of Famer Dan Hampton on the Vikings traveling to New Orleans for the season opener.

Geez Dan, don’t you think that’s slightly inappropriate? Why not just say they had to smother the Saints like an oil spill?

"Some people may think if we took a step closer and just got there, that'd be enough. But it's not at all. This team is basically Super Bowl or bust." – Jets tight end Dustin Keller

"We're building a dream team." – Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez

You can almost smell the comic fall about to beset this team, right? Like a 6-10 record fall. I mean all this hype built up, both internally and externally, for a team that snuck into the playoffs last year with a 9-7 record? It just feels like a setup for a epic implosion.

Idiot of the week

"We're the Miami Heat of football." - Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie

Wow, there’s so much to work with here. First, Antonio, considering you were brought in during the offseason, I imagine this comparison makes you either LeBron James or Chris Bosh in this scenario. And I’ve seen more than a few Chargers games lately, and I wouldn’t call you a franchise type player. Second, considering the Heat’s current popularity outside of South Beach, is that really the comparison you want to be making? I suppose if you’re pointing out how most of the league will be hyper annoyed with you soon, then yeah it might be fine. And third, I suppose late thinking is not something you should rely upon from a man who cannot remember the names of all 7 of his children. Well, if it’s only children, I’ve seen the number range from 6 to 18, and the man’s 26. Seriously, where do you even find the time?

So, Antonio, for making a ridiculous statement and pointless comparison, feeding the absurd Jets Super Bowl hype, and being an absentee father at best, you are an idiot.

On Tap This Week

As I have mentioned, this whole cavalcade of stupidity was born because I tired of hearing “experts” picking games each week and knowing how wrong they were, and usually showing I was correct. I tired of their “inside” knowledge they lorded over the average NFL fan, as though their ability to guess winners each week was somehow better than ours. Well, I have been out to prove them wrong, and so far season after season I’ve finished above or at the top compared to every national media person that does prognostication. So here we are again, with a clean slate and ready to take on the blowhards once again.

But how I love the picks at the beginning of the season, a fresh slate of action unsullied by losses or harebrained dark horse picks, as pristine and beautiful as freshly fallen snow.

Last week: 0-0
Season to date: 0-0

Just gorgeous no? Not a single loss to account for or explain. But enough admiring the beauty; its time to take on the “experts” and defend my poll 4th place finish. After all, if I’m not on top, I’m not the champion no? Ok, enough jibber jabber, let’s get it on!

Sunday

Denver (0-0) at Jacksonville (0-0)

If Tim Tebow takes the field at all, he’ll be roundly cheered while Jacksonville will be summarily booed.

Broncos over Jaguars

Oakland (0-0) at Tennessee (0-0)

Oakland is back! Yeah, that’s the buzz. Had a great draft, upgraded their defense and jettisoned JaMarcus Russell. Guess what? They’re still Oakland.

Titans over Raiders

Cincinnati (0-0) at New England (0-0)

With Ochocinco, T.O. and Randy Moss all in the same stadium at the same time, either the universe will implode or Brady and Palmer’s heads will explode. I don’t think there’s any middle ground here.

Bengals over Patriots

Cleveland (0-0) at Tampa Bay (0-0)

Eh.

Browns over Buccaneers

Indianapolis (0-0) at Houston (0-0)

Houston only needs to finally, FINALLY, defeat the Colts to take that next step in the division. Guess what? Not this time.

Colts over Texans

Detroit (0-0) at Chicago (0-0)

Good on Detroit for finally getting some decent buzz. And I think they could win this game. But it’s at home, and Cutler hasn’t had his confidence destroyed yet by multiple interceptions, so I’ll give Chicago the edge.

Bears over Lions

Atlanta (0-0) at Pittsburgh (0-0)

As long as Dixon doesn’t screw up, and the defense finds a way to stop teams from scoring in the 4th quarter, no problem.

Steelers over Falcons

Miami (0-0) at Buffalo (0-0)

Oh, I feel bad for Buffalo fans. They suffer like Cleveland fans. And they haven’t reached the bottom yet.

Dolphins over Bills

Carolina (0-0) at New York Giants (0-0)

Carolina spoiled the last game in Giants Stadium. I do not think a repeat performance is forthcoming.

Giants over Panthers

Green Bay (0-0) at Philadelphia (0-0)

How long until Philly fans are saying they wish they had McNabb back? I’ll say two weeks. Finally Donovan will be popular in Philadelphia.

Packers over Eagles

Arizona (0-0) at St. Louis (0-0)

It’ll be interesting to see how fast Arizona fans revert to previous form once they get a good taste of Derek Anderson. I actually feel bad for them.

Cardinals over Rams

San Francisco (0-0) at Seattle (0-0)

Wow, Pete Carroll already has everything turned around! Oh wait, no he doesn’t.

49ers over Seahawks

Dallas (0-0) at Washington (0-0)

Dallas keeps talking about being the first team to host a Super Bowl. Guess what, it will not happen. I guarantee it.

Cowboys over Redskins

Monday

Baltimore (0-0) at New York Jets (0-0)

I still say the Jets are in for an epic fall, but I think first game in a new stadium will go their way. Plus I just do not like Baltimore’s secondary.

Jets over Ravens

San Diego (0-0) at Kansas City (0-0)

Oh, the second Monday Night game. Let me guess, the Chargers will start the season slow, do well in the regular season and fold in the playoffs. This show is a repeat.

Chargers over Chiefs