The Crystal Ball 2008 Week 14

This was one of those weeks where all I wanted to do was watch NFL recap shows. When Pittsburgh notches a win as big as they did this week, I could watch replays and analysis all week long. But what to I see all week? Plaxico Burress and his massive stupidity dominated the headlines.


Opening Kickoff

Rumors run rampant that Ron Mexico may soon get a new cell mate, Harris Smith.


Recap

Wait, what???? The all knowing, all seeing, all magical greatest thing since sliced bread Favre couldn’t beat one of the worst defenses in all of football?

Oh, Neck Beard, how could you let me down so? I do not know what to believe in anymore.

Cute play there by Cam Cameron. Funny how he managed to burn the Bungles on the exact same play Pittsburgh used in 2005 Super Bowl. Sorry announcers but that’s not a new wrinkle merely a cleverly recycled one, much like the Wildcat.

Hmmm, it would seem Brandon Jacobs is feeling better.

During the Bungles/Ravens debacle, the question arose if T.J. Houshmandzadeh would get a full market value contract from the Bungles next season. To me the real question is would he accept such a contract from the Bungles or wise up and go somewhere else?

Wow, the Bungles only had 155 yards of total offense in their loss to the Ravens. Boy, they just suck.

What, exactly, was Tom “John Goodman” Cable thinking when he called a fake field goal that required Sebastian Janikowski to run 17 yards? Good gravy, has he not seen Janikowski lately? The only way that man is running 17 yards is if there’s a keg waiting at the end of the run.

Why, with only 8 minutes left in the game and a 31-14 lead, did Brad Childress dare risk his playoff spot by sending Adrian Peterson out in the offense again? It’s like he learned stupid coaching mistakes from Andy Reid. Oh, wait a minute.

Why would anyone get on Aaron Rodgers for that last pass the Panthers picked off? Favre would have TOTALLY made the same boneheaded throw! He really is the next Brett!

Honestly, it’s not Rodgers fault the Packers are tanking. You can thank the defense for that. Why they decided to do their impression of the Lions during the stretch run, I’ll never know.

Phillip Rivers can argue with the ref like an ass all he wants, but it was painfully obvious he intentionally grounded the ball to avoid the sack and safety. What a twit.

Is it just me, or do the Giants play as though they believe they can do anything? I think winning last year’s Super Bowl over the undefeated Pats have instilled in this team a feeling of invincibility.

There were very few good things for Bungles fans to take away from their game against the Ravens. But they can count on the nice plays from Chris ‘leave Marvin Lewis alone’ Crocker.

Well, Brady Quinn had pins put in his finger and is out for the season. Now, Derek Anderson tore his MCL is gone as well. This leaves Romeo “hanging from a thread” Crennel with Ken Dorsey as the new starting quarterback for Browns. Wow, just when you thought it couldn’t’ get worse.


The Steel Pit

Oh, oh, oh! In the words of Jackie Gleason, how sweet it is!

Despite playing the entire second half with a hyper extended back, Harrison sure did enjoy his feast. Seriously, I’ve said it a million times but it needs said AGAIN. Harrison is a man playing amongst boys.

Before the weekend, everybody was all New England’s back, New England’s great; Cassel is better than Brady, meow meow meow.

Cris Carter stated on ESPN’s pregame show that Moss hates playing in cold. Good point to know going in despite the fact no one picked up on it. Cris also made a great point about the Jets; let’s not forget they lost to the Chargers and the Raiders. I’m starting to like Cris more and more.

Tom Jackson stated on the same program that the game comes down to James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley versus Nick Kazur and Matt Light. Oh how prophetic he would be shown to be.

Chris Berman stated that he felt Bill Belichick had a feel for Pittsburgh’s defense. Sure Chris, lately he has. It’s easy to get a feel when you have tons of inside information thanks to illegal videotaping. But look back into history just a bit. Belichick had no such “feel” when he coached the Browns. Why? Because he had yet to figure out how to cheat that’s why.

What I wanted to know before kickoff was why everyone at ESPN assumed that the Patriots would beat Pittsburgh? What had New England done, against their uber weak schedule, so far to show they could once again beat the Steelers? I sat all morning watching their pregame show just begging Pittsburgh to come out fired up and ready to put all of this nonsensical talk to rest.

I was not to be disappointed.

First off, we had Ed “Big Guns” Hochuli refereeing the game. Oh, I knew we were in excellent arms at that point. Although I must say, I hate Ed in cold weather games. It forces him to hide those magnificent pythons of his. Damn cold weather!

New England came into the game stating that Matt Cassel had the reigns taken off, and he would fly free. Yay! So much for all of that crap and his recent record setting performances. He sure did look pedestrian, did he not? Welcome to the NFL Matt Cassel.

Wow, I thought from what I heard that Matt was an even better second coming of Tom Brady. He certainly did not look like such against Pittsburgh’s “weakened” secondary, now did he?

Ice and precipitation makes for crazy game at times and this was indeed one. Let’s run through some fun facts and stats that came out of this demolition.

Adam Vinatieri replacement Stephen Gostkowski missed a 27 yard field goal at the end of the first half. Gostkowski’s failed attempt came because Pittsburgh’s stifling defense crushed yet another Patriot scoring drive attempt. Sweet.

Casey “Big Snack” Hampton had a sack in the game, his second of the season.

In total, the Steelers sacked Cassel 5 times, twice causing him to fumble the ball. It was part of a period where the Patriots had 5 straight possessions that ended in 5 straight turnovers, three fumbles and 2 interceptions. Thank you James Harrison for showing everyone what defense really is all about.

For the game, New England was 1 for 13 in third down conversions.

This was Pittsburgh’s first win in New England since 1997.

This game represented the first time since 2003 that New England allowed an opponent to score 30 unanswered points.

The Steelers, with a short circuiting offense, have outscored opponents 77-9 in the third quarter this season.

Lawrence Timmons had a wicked 89 yard interception return that he came within a yard of getting into the end zone. Lawrence, why did you slow up at the end? If you were that gassed, me thinks you need to do more wind sprints in practice.

Reliving old times from previous Bungle games, Ben Roethlisberger repeatedly picked on Patriot Deltha O’Neal. Ahhh, what warm memories that brought back.

The win was Big Ben’s 48th of his career, tying him with tying him with Otto Graham, Dan Marino and Tom Brady for the most wins by a starting quarterback in his first five seasons in the NFL. Super Sweet.

The best part of the game, for me at least, was when safety Ryan Clark laid out Patriots receiver Wes Welker with a wicked hit. The hit was relatively clean, no helmet to helmet and Clark hit Welker with his shoulder. Unfortunately, the officials flagged Clark with a 15 yard personal foul for the hit. Two things about the hit made me super happy, other than the fact that Welker was essentially shelved for the remainder of the game. One, I liked that Clark went to Patriot players afterwards to assure them he was not trying to play dirty. He even sought out Welker, but could not find him, to apologize. That’s class kids. And two, he NFL backed the hit after the fact, stating not only should it not have been penalized but he would not be fined. Now, Ryan your next target is an even bigger jerk that goes by T.O.

Now that Pittsburgh’s kicked the Patriot’s butt and exorcised some demons, I predicted and was correct with what everyone would say. Everybody will say that it was a nice win for Pittsburgh, but it wasn’t that big a deal because New England didn’t have Brady or Thomas or Harrison in their lineup.

Well meow meow meow. Just shut your yappers. The Steelers completely shut down a good team on their own field. That means as much as the Jets, who choked against a crappy Denver defense, beating the Titans. I know no national media person wants to say it, but I will. Pittsburgh is the only AFC team who consistently beats good competition. They had the hardest schedule going into the season and despite that and despite a horrible rash of injuries have still managed to amass a 9-3 record at the three quarter mark. And down the stretch, of all teams still eligible for the playoffs they have the hardest schedule by far. Now, how about showing this resilient, talented, and most importantly WINNING team some respect? Or is that too much to ask?

Now the Pats are 7-5 and on the verge of being out of the playoffs. AWWWWW!

In other Pittsburgh news, the Steelers training staff was named the 2008 Pro Football Training Staff of the Year. The team of John Norwig, Ryan Grove and Ariko Iso has been honored as the staff that best shows dedication and commitment to the training of the team’s players. Congratulations to all of you! Without you, the team would not be nearly as successful year in and year out.


NFL The Alternative Universe

The Patriots are on the verge of resigning 40 year old Junior Seau to bolster their defense. Seau has spent the lion’s share of this season pursuing business ventures and surfing near his home in San Diego. Yeah, Pats, that’ll help. Good luck with all that. Douche bags.

Why was most of the Steelers/Patriots pre game discussion on ESPN’s pregame show filled with a ridiculous story about the Patriots using Crazy Train as their entrance song complete with an interview with Ozzy himself? Like no other team uses Crazy Train, I heard it at least twice that weekend! And was he really that incoherent that we needed subtitles?

Not many say it, although you do hear it occasionally. But I’ll say it. The Jets aren’t having a great season because of Favre. It’s because of Leon Washington, Thomas Jones and most importantly, Kris Jenkins.

So Lane Kiffin is the new head coach at Tennessee. Good for him. But two things about this story bug me. One, reports are that his dad, Bucs defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, will follow and coach defense for his son. How will that impact the remainder of the Bucs season? And two, I’ve heard that Tennessee called famous alumni Peyton Manning to get a feel for Kiffin and approval of the hire. Really, you need Peyton’s approval? It's no wonder Tennessee has not won anything in quite some time.

Joey Porter was fined by the NFL $7,500.00 by the NFL for comments made during the Patriots/Dolphins collision. Seems like a small price considering how often Joey talks.

This week the NFL finally handed down punishment to six players who tested positive for a diuretic that can serve as a masking agent for steroids. Deuce McAllister and defensive linemen Charles Grant and Will Smith of New Orleans; defensive linemen Kevin and Pat Williams of Minnesota; and long snapper Bryan Pittman of Houston were all suspended by the NFL. Although five of the six were granted a temporary injunction by a lawsuit filed by the players union. A federal judge decide today whether or not these players can do their jobs this weekend. Damn such a shame a small handful of bad apple athletes get away with too much.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Patriot fans suck. How fast did they abandon Gillette Stadium last Sunday when their “beloved” Patriots were getting housed by Pittsburgh? Rats never left a sinking ship that fast.

Honestly, I’m seriously disappointed by NFL fans these days. Jets fans completely abandoned their team as well. Look, if it were Lions or Rams fans, I could understand. But Jets and Patriot fans, their teams are still in the playoff hunt. Why would their fans give up so easily? Well, shame on all of them.

Look, the 2009 London game has been set. Next season, we’ll see the Tampa Bay Buccaneers take on the New England Patriots on the pitch at Wembley Stadium. Not surprisingly, the Bucs will be the home team, because Brady forbid the Pats give up a home date for a gimmick like this.

Best wishes go out to Paul Zimmerman, writer extraordinaire and NFL expert bar none who recently suffered two strokes one after another. If I could work on this craft for the remainder of my days and amass half as much NFL knowledge as he has and become half the scribe he is I will consider myself successful. Get well soon Dr. Z.


Upon Further Review

Honestly, what story this week needs more in depth review, and has had a ton of it, more than Mr. Burress’ wild ride?

Let’s lay down a few of the known facts to get started. According to numerous reports, Plaxico went out to a night club last Friday with Antonio Pierce in tow. Plaxico went out sporting sweat pants and packing some heat. At some point, he managed to lose control of his gun and in an attempt to get control of it and shot himself in the leg.

Here’s where the story gets fun and weird. Plaxico then went to the hospital for treatment and gave a false name of Harris Smith. Somewhere in the transit he urged Pierce to hide the gun. He did not disclose this to the Giants immediately, waiting until well after the story had broken. By then Burress, Pierce and the hospital were in a world of trouble. Pierce did attempt to hide the weapon, and now is under suspicion for attempting to tamper with evidence. The hospital and the doctor who worked on Plaxico are also in trouble for not reporting this incident. Per New York law, all gun shot victims who come into a hospital are required by law to be reported to the police. This did not happen, so thanks to Plaxico’s antics these people are in trouble. As a matter of fact, the doctor in question has been suspended.

By Monday, Plaxico had turned himself into police and his agent had moved to full blown damage control. At this point, everyone was weighing in, including New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg who urged full prosecution for Plaxico.

Is this over? No, not by a long shot no pun intended. So Burress is facing serious charges of illegal weapons possession that could land him up to 15 years in the pokey. To make matters worse the Giants, who have been just fine without him have placed him on the non football injury list, ending his season and potentially ending his career with the Giants.

Quite the mess, is it not? Honestly, I’m not sure which part throws me the most. First and foremost, what bugs me is Plaxico’s incredible stupidity. A mere few months ago he was the king of New York, one of the conquering heroes that returned from the Super Bowl. Now, he’s on a bullet train out of town. So many questions crop up because of him popping a cap in his own thigh.

First, why was he packing heat? Football players are often targeted by idiots who think they can take on an athlete. Adding a firearm to the mix only makes a potentially dangerous situation volatile. You think I’m mistaken? Then read this article recently posted on ESPN. It’s a scary world out there now for professional athletes, especially in the aftermath of Sean Taylor’s death.

I will not take this into a discussion about the need for or lack thereof of gun control. That is a touchy subject and one not necessarily germane for this situation. Personally, I do not think guns are the problem. Yes, they are a deadly weapon and dangerous. But in the wrong hands, so are cars, butter knives and pencils. This is more about common sense and responsibility, two things Burress has shown he has very little of.

Second, what the hell was he doing out on a Friday night with a big game coming up Sunday? Ok, yes, I know he was already deactivated due to injury, but if you’re too hurt to do your job, shouldn’t you be too hurt to party?

Third, is this really the way for Burress to get what he wanted from his team? He cried most of the off season about his contract finally extracting one before the season started. Then he did nothing of consequence, showing up oft times injured and having his production easily replaced.

Plaxico, do you honestly think that after winning a Super Bowl Coughlin wants another distraction around while trying to defend the title? You think he needs another Barber or Shockey? Remember Jeremy Shockey? The Giants didn’t seem to have any issue getting rid of him. What makes you think you’re immune? Remember TO? Remember how beloved he was in Philly after coming back from injury to play in the Super Bowl? Less than a year later he was hated in Philly and on his way out. This WILL be you. Placing you on the non football injury list was but the first step in getting you a one way ticket out of New York.

Fourth and finally, I have just one final question on the situation. How long until Plaxico is a Raider? Yes he shot himself in the thigh, but Al Davis has been shooting himself in the foot for years. These two should get along swimmingly.


He Said He Said

“I think all stats against Detroit shouldn’t count.” – ESPN’s Chris Berman

But Boomer, those third stringers are trying to build a resume.


“What? No, no, no, no. Two times we could have blown them people out easily. They say, oh, he's so smart. This is the best brainstorming coach. Yeah, because he's cheating. He got caught. ... If it wasn't so bad, why did you destroy the tape so fast? ... We want to see the tapes. When you get rid of evidence like that, there was something in it they didn't want everybody to see.” – Dolphins LB Joey Porter

It’s, it’s like Joey knew I was upset, and opened his pie hole and spewed forth what I’ve thought for years! Thank you Joey, that makes me feel better.


"Yeah, I was mad. After the sack, I told the ref, 'Hold that!' “– Steelers NT Casey Hampton

You wanna cheat? Cheat that!


"To be very honest, I'm not going to read what you guys write. This isn't about Matt Cassel, or whether Matt Cassel's stock is up or down; it's about a team trying to get better." – Patriots QB Matt Cassel

Ummm, Matt, what’s with the third person there? You aren’t that big to go there. As a matter of fact, after last week, in my eyes you have Rob Johnson written all over you.


"The last couple of weeks, from an offensive standpoint, people thought we were riding high. Today some bad things started happening and they trickled on down." – Patriots WR Randy moss

Yeah Randy and those bad things happened because you could not hold onto a football. Not that I’m complaining.


"I was an idiot for believing in the Jets.'' - Cris Collinsworth

You weren’t the only one, Cris. I tried to warn you, but no one listens to me until after the fact.


"I think Brett Favre's reputation as a great bad-weather quarterback needs an update." – SI.com writer Don Banks

Don, it needed updated after last year’s NFC Championship game.


“There's a huge paranoia that occurs when you carry a gun ... You just have your hand on your gun. That just drove me crazy. After two years, I just threw it over the highway when I was driving home one night because it was eating me up inside.'' - Former NFL defensive end Marcellus Wiley

You listening Plaxico?


“You can’t go to school and learn crisis management like there.” - New Tennessee head coach Lane Kiffin talking of his previous employer.

Is that the understatement of the year or decade?


"If you feel like you need to take a gun into a club to feel safe, maybe you ought not to be going to that club in the first place." – Steelers WR Hines Ward

No, this is. And probably the biggest piece of common sense advice as well.


Idiot of the week

Is there really any doubt this week? Because of the self inflicted gunshot wound, the lies, the implication of others, the damage to his team, the potential curtailing of his career, the distraction to his team, the poor example set for others, the stupidity, the potential jail sentence and wearing sweat pants to a night club Plaxico, you are an idiot.

Mind you, he was not the only one to step up this week. Keyshawn Johnson came close on Sunday countdown. Talking greatest pass rushers of all time, and he not only dissed the older guys, read players before 1996, but didn’t even know some of them, or at least was trying to act like he didn’t. Yes, remember kids, being dumb and ignorant of the world you live in and things that came before you is cool. Shouldn’t it be required if you are on one of these shows that you have SOME sort of working knowledge of the game you’re covering? Well, unless you’re Joe Buck, of course.

But Plaxico’s agent Drew Rosenhaus came much closer to stealing this award. He came on Monday Night Football to do some obvious damage control. While this was not idiot worthy in and of itself, the garbage he spewed surely was. His ramblings were nothing but pathetic spin, and anyone who tuned in for more than 30 seconds could pick up on that.

What really bugged me was that first he stated that Plaxico was doing quite well for someone who was shot. Well, that’s his own damn fault. He continued with his sympathy spin by stating how unfortunate this happened almost one year to the day after his former client Sean Taylor was killed. How dare you Rosenhaus? There is no way any rational human being could compare what happened to Sean with what happened to Plaxico. Sean was home with his family when thugs broke into his house intending to rob him and ended up killing him. Plaxico was out at a club, when he should have been home resting and recuperating while he was injured, and shot his idiot self because he was too stupid to think that perhaps bringing a loaded handgun to a club was a bad idea. That’s a world of difference. You know what, now that I think about it, Rosenhaus gets a secondary idiot of the week award, because that comparison is not just ridiculous, but also shameful posturing and an insult to Sean Taylor. Drew, you too are a massive idiot.


On Tap This Week

So I took a few chances last week that most definitely did not pay off. Thank you very much Green Bay, Oakland, Buffalo and Arizona.

Last week 8-5
Season to date 120 – 80

As they say, there’s always next week.


Thursday

Oakland (3-9) at San Diego (4-8)

Which team is less crappy? Well, I suppose San Diego but beating Oakland won’t really convince me otherwise.

Chargers over Raiders


Sunday

Jacksonville (4-8) at Chicago (6-6)

Sigh, I hoped for so much more from Neck Beard. Alas, it has not quite come to pass. But I think he may have enough to overcome the reeling Jacksonville squad.

Bears over Jaguars


Cleveland (4-8) at Tennessee (11-1)

As if Cleveland had much going before, now they throw Ken Dorsey against Kerry Collins and the wicked Tennessee defense. Sorry Drew.

Titans over Browns


Philadelphia (6-5-1) at New York Giants (11-1)

Yeah, Philly won big last week. But I’m not fooled. And neither is most of America outside of southeastern Pennsylvania.

Giants over Eagles


Minnesota (7-5) at Detroit (0-12)

Do you even need to ask? Go Lions strive for history!

Vikings over Lions


Houston (5-7) at Green Bay (5-7)

Yeah, I watched them last week. Yeah, they gave away a game they could have won. But watching Aaron Rodgers makes me believe there’s something more to this Packers team. Perhaps I have a bit too much Don Quixote in me.

Packers over Texans


Atlanta (8-4) at New Orleans (6-6)

I feel bad for Atlanta fans. After suffering the debacle of last season, they needed something to raise their spirits. They get it this year with such a dramatic and exciting turnaround and an 8-4 record, and it’s only good enough for third place in their division. That just stinks. I think they might have enough though to vanquish Drew Brees though despite having to visit the difficult Superdome.

Falcons over Saints


Cincinnati (1-10-1) at Indianapolis (8-4)

Dang, why can’t Pittsburgh have a stretch run schedule as cake like as Indy? Looks like Dungy will go out with a bang.

Colts over Bungles


Miami (7-5) at Buffalo (6-6)

Yes, technically this is a home game for Buffalo. But since it will be held in the auspice confines of Toronto, something tells me they will have no real advantage. Yay NFL for screwing another city that desperately needs it out of a home game this season.

Dolphins over Bills


New England (7-5) at Seattle (2-10)

Oh, look, the cheaters are playing yet another crappy team as part of their easiest schedule in the NFL. Jerks. You know what makes me feel good? The Pats play the easiest schedule in the NFL and are only 7-5 while Pittsburgh plays the toughest and are 9-3. Suck on that Pats fans.

Patriots over Seahawks


Kansas City (2-10) at Denver (7-5)

I can only trust Denver as far as I can throw them. And that ain’t far. Unfortunately I can trust Kansas City even less.

Broncos over Chiefs


New York Favres (8-4) at San Francisco (4-8)

Even the Favres can blow this one. Can they?

Favres over 49ers


St. Louis (2-10) at Arizona (7-5)

Yeah, Arizona laid a major egg last week. And yes, it bodes poorly for future playoff success especially if they have to travel to a crappy climate. Obviously they are not ready for prime time. But let’s forget about such things for now and just celebrate for once a successful Cardinal season.

Cardinals over Rams


Dallas (8-4) at Pittsburgh (9-3)

Two classic rivals, two marquee quarterbacks, only one winner. Hmmm, now just who should I pick…? Oh, and Super Bowl XXX never, EVER, happened.

Steelers over Cowboys


Washington (7-5) at Baltimore (8-4)

NBC chose this game, against contrived rivals, for their primetime choice as opposed to Dallas at Pittsburgh, two long time rivals. Good call. Yeesh.

Ravens over Redskins


Monday

Tampa Bay (9-3) at Carolina (9-3)

I’m not convinced Carolina is all that and a bag of chips. And Tampa Bay has shown more than a few signs of life. Strangely enough, both are good and highly under the radar. I’m sure ESPN is thanking the football gods for a decent game for a change. I suppose I’ll go with the home field advantage, even though lately it has been worth as much as the elasticity of sweat pants.

Panthers over Buccaneers